Why I will never make it as a fashion blogger

Being away on a jolly with mostly fashion bloggers was a bit like stepping into another world. I arrived back from Chatsworth House on the Sunday to find the garden filled with people posing by brick walls and in doorways, accompanied by the soundtrack of the click and snap of the SLR.

I actually missed most of the photo-taking and I was gutted to the extreme - I really wanted to hang about on the sidelines like a groupie and see what goes into being a fashion blogger.

After seeing what I did see though I became gripped by an overwhelming desire to join in. "I will be a fashion blogger too" I thought "And it will be brilliant."

I felt like I'd picked up a few tips from my creepy totally normal observations so I enlisted the help of Alex to come with me, to my very favourite place in the gardens of Norbury Manor, the secret garden door, where I would unleash my inner fashion blogger.

Here is my list of essentials for being a fashion blogger:

1. An SLR camera - I have a point and click and it did not provide a satisfying sound when my photos were being taken.

2. Find your signature pose - I don't have one yet so I went for your average hands on hips, legs crossed pose...

...but this kind of made me look like I was out on day release, so I went for the next must-have fashion blogger pose...

Just in case you were interested:

Shirt & cardigan - Primark

Jeans - Dorothy Perkins

Shoes - H&M

4. Don't look directly at the camera - instead stare whimsically off into the distance. Or even better...

5. Don't look at the camera AT ALL. Actually this shot isn't even posed, I think I'm just admiring the lovely door - but Alex, being a pro at this fashion blogger malarkey spotted a good shot. I am however taking full credit for that beehive. Don't be jealous of my backcombing skillz.

6. Get some nerves of steel - I have absolutely no idea how people can stand normally and have their photo taken, I felt like the biggest fool on the earth. There must be a way of blocking out the voice in your head that is screaming "Why on earth would anyone want to look at this photo of you you total muppet?!"

7. Failing getting nerves of steel, develop a drinking problem - to be able to pose naturally for a photograph, or feel that I was looking good enough to have my photo taken I need to be at least 1.5/2 sheets to the wind. It sounds dramatic, but once I got good at the fashion blogging and became a world-renowned name, I'd make enough money to keep me in gin anyway.

Photo taken by Gem

Cat jumper present from Alex - you are so jealous of me right now - you have a disappointing lack of cat jumpers in your wardrobe I bet.

8. Employ someone full time to follow you around with a camera - That way, if  you find posing for a photo as excruciatingly painful as I do, your photographer will be able to capture some candid photos of you were you don't look like a serial killer. Ok - let's ignore the face I'm pulling in this photo (I was playing with Bodhi the dog) but we're half way to a good photo here. Also your photographer will have a proper camera which will make a satisfying shutter noise so that's Point 1 taken care of.

9. Actually be interested in clothes and fashion - I've already spoken about how meh I feel about fashion. This is probably going to be a downfall in my ambition to become a fashion blogger.

10. Think up a 10th point. No-one like a list that ends at 9 for God's sake.


They say it's fun to do things outside your comfort zone - and whilst I think this probably refers to bungee jumping off a bridge over a shark-infested river, standing in front of a door with a stranger taking photos of me probably resulted in the same levels of stress and sweating.

After the above three photos I felt I could admit to myself that I'm never really going to be a fashion blogger. If you will excuse the pun, I'm just not cut from the right cloth.

And besides, unless I develop that drinking problem I mentioned all I'm ever going to want to do when a camera is pointed at me is something like this...

....or this...

Maybe I've found my niche...