My grass isn't greener

It's funny really when I think about it. Although 'funny' in that way where you feel like you might be hysterically laughing to stop yourself from collapsing on a heap in the floor crying.

I never would have thought in a million years that I'd be sat here in 2013 saying I'm in a worse place than I was in 2012.

I know right. How could anything be worse than 2012? Going from being made redundant, to having to move away from my friends and family in Hull, to being unemployed for a few months, to ending up in possibly the most depressing job where I got bullied. I lived in a city where I had no friends, other than The Person, oh and in the middle of it all I had a pretty spectacular meltdown.

2013 was the ultimate in fresh starts. Literally moving on the 1st January to a new place and starting a new job on the 2nd January which I was loving. There were challenges in the form of living in my sister's box room and having The Person live all the way in Preston but I was feeling fairly positive.

So how is it, that 2013 is heading towards a close and I feel worse than ever?

It's as if multiple things have conspired against me that seem determined to try and block my happiness everywhere I turn and, with no potential solution for some of them in sight, I can feel the 'badness' (those looming, crushing feelings of awfulness that seem to always be hovering over me in the background but I manage to keep at bay) starting to begin it's slow and painful creep over my shoulders.

For a start, the place I live in is tiny. I don't really know how to stress that word enough. The main 'town' is literally a street. A small street. We have one high street clothes store which is about the size of my living room. Luckily I'm not that interested in clothes shopping because that may have pushed me over the edge a long time ago. The fact is that there is just nothing to do here. Basically once you've visited the castle you're kind of out of things to do.

Frustratingly there's a whole host of things to do pretty much on my doorstep. I'm not a million miles away from some decent cities - Derby, Leicester, Nottingham, heck even Birmingham isn't that far away. There's the National Forest practically tapping at my window and National Trust properties galore. The problem? Absolutely none of them are accessible if you don't have a car.

Welcome to the sticks people, where public transport is non-existent and you are left with a situation where visiting Pets at Home and Wickes is the highlight of your weekend.

I have a huge bugbear about people with cars not understanding what life is like without one. I would love for them to come here for a week and be faced with constantly having to say "I'd love to, but I can't get there." or "I'd love it, but could you give me a lift?" Nothing like being 30 and not being able to independently get anywhere to make you feel good about yourself. The closest town I could get to is Burton, which takes 45 minutes on a bus, despite being a 25 minute car drive away and I think I can get to Leicester, although it appears to take 1.5 hours and involve a convoluted and difficult bus journey where you may have to get off a bus but also might not have to - I've been too scared to try it in case I just end up on a bus for the rest of my week.

I do technically have access to a car in the form of my sister's tank but to borrow that means a mile and half walk to her house (and back home again after dropping the car off) and actually, funnily enough, she needs to use her car as well. I'm probably not great at asking for it when I need it because, again, nothing like not being able to independently travel anywhere etc etc.

Secondly, I am 30 and it is well known that the older you get, the harder it is to make friends. I have been here a year and still don't have anyone I can call a friend. Don't get me wrong, I get on with lots of people at work. Lots of people - lots of chatting, lots of laughs - but they are restricted to 9-5. There has been nothing which has materialised into an outside of work friendship. Actually a lot of that is again down to location - most people don't live in this town, but live in other places and commute in, so they're not about to meet up or do anything with. Those people that do live here have lived here all their lives and are the ultimate in small town cliques - no matter how well you get on with them in work, it's not going to translate to an offer of a night out.

I am an extrovert in the true sense of the word. I need people around me to gain my energy. My spark comes from talking to people and interacting with people. I'm not like introverts, who see social interaction as something that drains them - it's honestly my life force.* Me without friends is just not pleasant. And on top of not making friends here, I have slowly but ever so surely drifted away from my friends back home. It happens, people get boyfriends, you don't live there any more, life moves on and leaves you stranded behind it. But it means I have no-one to talk to about the crushing loneliness I'm experiencing here.

All of the above has added up to put pressure on my relationship, and whilst I don't really want to go into that on here (at the moment) things have not been great between us and we are needing to do some emergency repair work. Which is actually difficult when you have nowhere to go because you have no transport (begin that loop again.)

Which brings us to wok. And again without wanting to go into that too much - things have not been great there. My role has changed due to unavoidable circumstances and whilst I appreciate that a new role has been found for me it's not a) what I wanted to do and b) I'm receiving absolutely no guidance at all on how to do it. It's frustrating and just really really gutting because I'd finally found something that I wanted to do and thought I was doing well at.

So there you have it. The holy trifecta of work, relationship and friends has slowly but steadily crumbled over the past few months, leaving me feeling like I'm hanging over a precipice. One from which I have no escape because there isn't a bloody bus back from said precipice.

I joke.

Not really.

Last year, I may have been unemployed and without friends but I lived in a city. There was plenty to do and plenty to explore and there were other places that were on our doorstep that we could get to because there were public transport links. Living here is like experiencing cabin fever on a major scale and feeling as though the other shoe is about to drop...

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*For a cartoon which incredibly cleverly and easily explains the difference between introverted and extroverted people please see this How to interact with the introverted cartoon - it will honestly help you you understand the differences between the two. 

This one time I was unemployed.

I thought I should probably provide a bit of a summary of my unemployed life. I know, fun right? I've got to say this one's mainly for me so I can look back and remind myself of what a totally bloody god awful and stressful time it was.

So I ended up unemployed for pretty much bang on 3 months.

I applied for over 20 research jobs - that's all I've got on my uber geeky spreadsheet but not everything went on there, plus you have to remember that the research jobs I am after don't come up very often.

Of those 20 I had 4 bothered to tell me that I hadn't been unsuccessful and 3 invited me to interview, the rest disappeared into the ether never to be heard from again.

The Research Interviews
To be fair, the 1st interview I was invited to was for a charity in Newcastle and they actually did offer me a job. And had I been single I would have gone for it but it was nowhere near enough money to support both me and The Person to move cities. (See - being in a couple isn't all it's cracked up to be!)

The 2nd interview was at Swansea University and was the single most terrifying experience of my life - there was a lunch beforehand where all the candidates met up and it turned out that I was literally the only person without a Phd. Awesome start. And then one of the four people on the interview panel appeared to be playing the role of Simon Cowell that day. That was an insanely long day - I spent a total of 9 hours on trains, travelling down and back there and by the time I came home I was kind of a wreck. I wasn't surprised when I didn't get the job but actually the feedback was very positive - they really liked me but decided to go with someone who had a Phd. I can't really compete with that.

The 3rd interview was down in London. This was a lesson I learned to trust myself. I didn't have a great feeling about this job, didn't really want it but felt pressured into going for it because I felt I couldn't turn the opportunity down. I didn't get good vibes during the interview at all from the people interviewing me and they threw some things in about that job that weren't included in the job description and had they been I wouldn't have applied for it because I didn't have the necessary experience.

The Admin Interviews
Meanwhile the pressure was mounting from the JobCentre Plus to just get an admin job and have done with it. This is an odd policy which makes no sense to me at all. Would it not be better to let me have the time to look for and get the job I want and am qualified for, earning more money and therefore paying more tax? Instead of forcing me to take a job I'm over qualified (which also means I've "stolen" a job from someone probably more suited to the role, much like the Phd people have been "stealing" mine) which means I earn less money so contribute less and don't have the time to look for a better job?

I couldn't even keep count of how many admin jobs I applied for, they didn't make it on to the geeky spreadsheet.

I had 4 interviews for admin jobs though.

One wasn't offered to me because the guy said he knew I wouldn't stay in the job because I was over-qualified. That was hilarious. I lost out to the others on 'not enough experience' grounds.

Then there was the interview for the job I've got now in which my interviewer informed me that over 340 people had applied for the job advertised and they had 4 posts available. And that my friends is the job I'm now in, but that's a tale for another blog post...

In some ways I can't believe it was a whole 3 months I was unemployed for - it feels as if it's passed very quickly although at the time it all seemed to be a long period of forever and a day. I don't know if 3 interviews in 3 months (if we're only counting the jobs I was really after) is good or not. I guess everything has to be looked at on an individual basis taking into account the kinds of jobs applied for etc. I certainly don't know if 3 out of over 20 is good odds. I suspect the JobCentre Plus is pleased that I was on and off their books fairly rapidly but you definitely don't want to get me started on them as a topic.

Funnily enough I'm officially in the phase where I was actually better off claiming JSA and getting some money every other week. I was paid on the 15th of this month for just over 2 weeks work and now have the long, slow, painful wait until the 15th September when I will get a full month's wages. Of course at that point I won't know what to do with myself...oh...no...wait...I'll have to start giving The Person something towards my upkeep. Bollocks.

Everything that is wrong with The System a.k.a. Conversations in the Dole Queue

So for those of you who don't follow me on Twitter (you should, I'm @Shippers1983) and aren't friends with me on Facebook (reserved for the special few) then you won't know that I have a little bit of good news - I have a job!

I got the call yesterday after having an interview last week and it's for an administrative job in Chorley. It's really not great money and it's going to be a bit of a commute but it's a job and it'll hopefully see the return of my feeling of self worth and hopefully chase some of the dark clouds away.

It's odd because truth be told I'm actually a little embarassed about it - I was working doing a pretty cool job that I was getting (after a long time) decently paid for and now I'm doing something that many would see as a step down (certainly in salary terms) and it's led me to downplay it a little bit or fend off the congratulations by saying "It's not that great really."

But it reminded me of a conversation I had with a delightful chap last time I was at the Job Centre to sign on...

Him: They've stopped my money because they said I have to do 15 things a week to prove I've been looking for work and I haven't done it.
Me: [Non-commital nod. Try to move slightly away and not have this conversation]
Him: I mean 15 things, can you believe it?
Me: [Unable to resist being drawn in] Erm, yeah I can. I have to do the same.
Him: Well I know for a fact that there's only one job going in Preston. One. job. And that's sitting at a conveyor belt sorting out recycling. I'm not doing that.
Me: [No response - blood pressure starting to rise]
Him: I mean would you? Would you do that?
Me: Well if it really was the only job and they were going to stop my money then yeah I would
Him: ...Well...I'm not doing that.

.....

Him: What is it that you do then?
Me: Well I did research but I was made redundant so now I'm looking for anything really, admin whatever I need to do.
Him: How old are you?
Me: I'm 29
Him: When I was about your age I was working in holiday camps at Butlins and what have you, did that for a few years...and I worked in London when I was in my 20s...you see I've done my bit. I'm not sorting out recycling on a conveyor belt.

I've done my bit.


Luckily at this point the doors were opened and I made my way inside before the rage engulfed me and I beat him to death with my signing-on book.

You've done your bit? Excuse me? You are what - 50 years old? So now it's the State's responsibility to look after you? Are you a pensioner? No you not. That is when you're allowed to say you've done your bit.

And also who did you do your bit for? Are you applying that you've done it for everyone else in the country? Because I believe you did it for yourself and how very dare you stand there and say you're too good for job.

You are not too good to do anything. You are currently not contributing to society in any way, shape or form. (Good god he couldn't even have a shave and wash your hair so he looked nice for society at least.)

You are as good as the job you are currently in. If you are unemployed then you are at the bottom of the ladder and it is beyond me why you think you can sprout wings and fly to the top of it. You put your hands on the side and you lift one foot on to the bottom rung and you go from there. If that means you sort rubbish on a conveyor belt then suck it up and sort rubbish on a conveyor belt, if that means I have to go and do a job that pays £7k less than I was previously on then I do it.

That is doing your bit and you are not done until you can support yourself.

Twat.

Observations of the unemployed #008

I've realised I'm not done yet.

I've always been pretty vocal about the fact that I'm not a career-driven person. I've always said that if I won the lottery I'd be outta there, I wouldn't stay in work, I'd sit on my arse all day. Or if I married a very wealthy man I'd become a lady what lunches.

However now that I am sat on my arse all day it turns out it's really not what I want.

I'm not done yet.

I fell into my job by accident but it turns out that I really enjoy it and there's still so much more that I want to do. I'm not eager to reach heady heights, I'm not looking to make a packet, but I definitely don't want to stop right now.

Unfortunately, when you're in my position there comes a point where you realise that though it would be lovely to have a job I really want to do, I also need to get some money into my bank account because the £240 I'm pulling in a month through JSA doesn't cover much.

So I'm applying for the jobs that I really want, alongside the jobs that I don't really want, but will pay some bills.

I would have said, in the past, I'd be happy to do any kind of job but actually I don't really want to. I've been applying for admin/receptionist roles and they are not what I want to do. I'm not saying I'm better than that but I'm not done and once I'm in a job that means less time for me to spend looking for my ideal job.

I think I'm just scared that if I get in an admin job, I'll get stuck there. I'll be comfortable, I'll be happy just plodding along and not using my brain to its full capacity and before I know it I'll be talking about this one time when I did research. And that thought scares the bejeebus out of me.

I'm. not. done. yet.

Observations of the Unemployed #007

The List will stop you falling into complete malaise

If you want to avoid Observation #005 then a routine is vital. It is for me anyway because if there's one thing I hate, it's the thought that I've wasted time. You know how you have a day off work and you are really looking forward to it and then all of sudden you realise it's 4pm and you've achieved absolutely nothing? Unemployment can be one long stream of those days.

So in order for me to avoid this pitfall I have turned to my favourite friend - The List.

The List never lets me down. The List keeps me on track and holds me to account.

As I've mentioned before, when I go to sign on every other week I have to provide evidence of 15 searches for work that I've done each week. That doesn't have to mean that I have to apply for 15 jobs - I just have to prove that I've made an attempt to find something.

It's a much less daunting prospect if I split it down into 3 things a day so those make up the beginning of the list. I try to get them done in the morning because then they are over and done with - pow pow pow.

Everything goes on there - small and large - 30 Day Shred goes on there (and trust me, if it wasn't on there I'd be much more tempted to slime my way out of doing it). Washing the dishes goes on there. Writing e-mails/letters go on there. Anything big and small goes on there.

You see the thing is, when you're out of work it doesn't take long before you start to feel pretty useless at life and all that goes with it. The List helps me feel like I'm achieving something. OK I might not be bringing any money in but I can tick everything off a list, so in your face feelings of uselessness.

And with that sentence I can cross off the last thing on my list - write a blog post.

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There should be photos to accompany this post but my card reader on my laptop doesn't appear to   be working. I'll add trying to fix that on to my list tomorrow.

Observations of the unemployed #006

The notion that teaching is now a fall-back career.

In an attempt to help me think outside the box and think about transferrable skills I made an appointment with the National Careers Service at my local job centre in the hope that they might be able to help me.

In short, they couldn't.

He waffled around and suggested things that I was already doing/I told him things that he didn't know about and then he said my most hated thing, which is something which so so so many people have said to me;

"Have you thought about teaching?"

I don't know if I'm on my own here but I find this such an odd thing to say. To me teaching is a vocational career - you either want to do it or you don't. It's not something that you do because you can't think of anything else and you have a degree.

Maybe it's because I know teachers, so I know firsthand how incredibly difficult it is to be a teacher and also that there aren't actually a lot of jobs out there. I find it worrying that people seem to be of the opinion that you can just become a teacher with the click of your fingers. I find it even more worrying that this man appeared to think that I was qualified to be a teacher because I have a degree and a Masters degree - not that I have any desire to be a teacher, or indeed any skills - apparently getting through 4 years of university is enough.

This guy was not the first person to say this to me and I have heard other people talking about it in much the same terms. In fact my brother the other day was talking about his career and said, in such an off-hand manner that I nearly fell off my chair, "And then when I get in my 50s I'll probably quit and I'll just become a teacher." Ok then. We'll see how that goes.

I shudder to think that the youth of today are being taught, not by people who really had a passion to educate our youngsters, but because they were made redundant and thought "Oh I might as well teach."

That's what I mean about it being vocational. I'm 29. I know that I don't want to teach right now and I think our education system deserves better than that.

Things people ask me now that I'm unemployed Part 1/3

"How are things going on the job front?"

This question has an unpleasant interesting effect on me. Namely that I get very defensive about it because I assume that people are asking me because they think I'm lazing about doing nothing. I completely understand that this is my issue and isn't at all (probably) what people are aiming for when they ask me but I can't deny that my initial reaction is something to want to throw things.

I knew from the get go that I needed to make sure I kept routine so I didn't end up becoming one of those nocturnal doley bums that sleep all day and stay up all night playing video games. (Unlikely because I can't play games but you get my drift.)

And so I get up every morning at 8.30am and get dressed - very important or else I would live in my PJs all day long - and then I get myself set up on the table, laptop on and then I begin tap tap tapping away on the job hunt.

Things you might want to know:
1) I am receiving JSA from the Job Centre (or will be when they eventually get around to paying me - they owe me about 5 weeks now.) which means I need to go in fortnightly to sign on and fill in a fun little form that details all the things I've been doing to get work. I'm supposed to have at least 15 things a week. This is much harder than it looks, especially when you are like me and did quite a specific job for a long time, making it difficult to find the same job again.

2) I'm working hard on trying to think outside the box and think about transferable skills but it is hard. If for instance your background is in accounting, you can log on to any jobsite out there and click a lovely little heading and there are all the jobs you're qualified to do. I don't have a lovely little heading to click on which makes hunting difficult. Especially as one part of my job title is "Research"  - type that in and all you get is market research jobs. Not what I do.

3) Neither The Person and I are tied to Preston. He's not particularly happy and is looking for work elsewhere too. Neither of us are tied to a particular area of the UK - we would love to stay in the North but we're realistic that we need to go where the jobs are.

The problem however is that at the moment, he can help support me whilst I look for a job but it can't work the other way round. So if I get a job somewhere else, we couldn't both move cities and have me supporting him whilst he found employment - which is why I wouldn't be able to take the Newcastle job I mentioned the other day.

I'm trying to find admin work in Preston just to get a job and have some money coming in and continue looking for my ideal job, finding out where The Person is applying for and looking in the same places in the hope we'll both find something together. Long shot but the only plan I have at the moment.

4) I have the most awesome spreadsheet ever which shows all the jobs I've applied for - when the closing date was, when the interview dates are, salary, etc. It's even colour coded. Sometimes I think that the main thing that motivates me to actually apply for jobs is less about getting a job and more about updating my spreadsheet.

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I think that pretty much covers everything. It is pretty strength sapping being out of work. It's incredibly hard to stay motivated and make sure that you don't slip into a complete state of apathy, even when you are being disciplined with yourself.

On the flipside I've tried to tell myself that there might never be this opportunity again, to be out of work and at home every day, so I'm trying to make the most of it - getting my stitching on, reading lots, watching too much silly telly, because I know that before long I'll be back in work and remincising about the time when I didn't have to do anything...

Why the Job Centre probably can't help you get work

I just had a ridiculous interaction with my Personal Advisor at the Job Centre which I need to write down because it perfectly documents the inefficiencies of a system which is bursting at the seams with unemployed people  and which will fail again and again at successfully supporting people back into work.

The background
I received an invite to interview for a job in Newcastle* on Saturday 2nd June inviting me to attend an interview on Monday 11th June. I immediately got myself online to look for train tickets from Preston to Newcastle.

Ouch.

At that point the cheapest option available on Trainline was an open return ticket for £69. Luckily I'm all about the train travel. I know how to work the system so I set about doing all the searches and managed to find the same journey for £45.20.

I thought to myself "Surely my friendly Job Centre, who so wishes to support me back into work will be able to refund my travel costs. Particularly when this trip will be using up over 2/3s my weekly Job Seeker's Allowance."

So, once the Jubilee Celebrations were out of  the way and the Job Centre was open, I rang them and explained the situation. The helpful person on the end of the line told me that because I was coming in the very next day after my interview I could sort it all out then - just to bring along proof of my invite to interview and my train tickets.

Lovely.

And that brings us up to today...

The conversation with my Personal Advisor
Advisor: Did you have anything you wanted to discuss with me?
Me: Oh yes I did. I had an interview in Newcastle yesterday and I was wondering if I could claim the money back that I spent on my train tickets.
Advisor: I'm sorry we can't process travel claims retroactively. You need to call up beforehand.
Me: Well that's interesting. Because I did. I called up and was told that I should bring everything with me when I came to see you.
Advisor: Yeah we can only process them beforehand and then we need 4/5 days to process it.
Me: But I did ring. I rang as soon as it was humanly possible to do so because you weren't open over the Bank Holiday
Advisor: [Apparently ignoring everything I'm saying] Yeah because we would need to make you an appointment to come in and see me who would check that you have an interview. We'd need at least 4/5 days to do that and currently I'm booked up for the next 4 weeks...
Me: So basically you're saying that you'll never to be able to help people claim back travel costs? Because if you 're booked up for 4 weeks how could I make an appointment to come and see you before my interview?
Advisor: I mean I could try and get you an appointment with a different advisor but yeah it's unlikely.
Me: Amazing. Thanks for that.

My thoughts on this nonsense
I am baffled as to why you would need to come in to the Job Centre in the first place - I understand that you would need to verify with a company that someone would be coming for an interview - but that can all be done over the phone - why would I need to come in to give you that information?

But yes, basically, it won't happen. You won't be refunded on your travel costs, despite the fact that your travel is more than likely going to take up a significant amount of your JSA.

So the message I'm getting from the Job Centre, is don't try and find work that you might be suited to do. Don't be so open to getting employment that you are willing to look anywhere in the UK. Instead you should just apply for jobs in the city you're currently living in, where you won't live up to your potential.

Luckily I'm not the kind of person who will still take up an offer of an interview and find a way to pay for the travel - but I wonder how many other people just aren't bothering or actually genuinely aren't able to take up offers for the sake of a train fare?

And I wonder how much of the money that could be spent helping people like me gain employment is being wasted on inefficiencies in the system or propping up people who are possibly not taking every opportunity they get to gain employment.

That is all.


*The interview went ok I think but I'm unlikely to be taking the job if offered because the pay is just too poor to be able to relocate. (A post will be coming soon about my job hunting before anyone leaps down my throat about potentially not taking a job that's being offered to me.)

Observations of the unemployed #005

There is a direct correlation between the length of time unemployed and a decrease in productivity.

You begin by being quite fired up - you're not going to waste this time you're off, you're going to move and shake and get things done.

And then, before you know it, your boyfriend is coming in from work, asking how your day has gone and the only thing you can tell him is that there was a really good episode of Judge Judy on today.

Observations of the unemployed #004

Lots of nail varnish + time off unemployed = my nails have never looked so weird.

I am incapable of just painting my nails one colour. Instead I'm on a one woman mission to try and use as many colours/nail effects as possible.

(Don't worry, my fingers didn't shrink, that last photo is indeed my foot.)

My favourite thing that someone has said to me this week

On Wednesday this week I posted a picture of a duck and her ducklings that had appeared in the middle of the town centre because, you know, that stuff is cool you know?

And then a "friend" made this comment;

"Don't take this the wrong way but you need to get a job - you are becoming way too focussed on our feathered friends!"

Cool. Maybe whilst I'm down there you'd like to kick me in the kidneys with your hobnailed boots you massive jackass.

Because obviously I don't really want a job. I don't spend every day looking and applying for jobs. I'm just sat here waiting for the next bird to walk past me. 

So yes, I'm afraid I did take it the wrong way. Up yours you insensitive tool.

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And incase you didn't see it on Twitter and are not friends with me on Facebook I wouldn't want you to miss out on all the fun. May I introduce you to Danger Duck - who thinks it's an awesome idea to walk her ducklings through the town centre across many roads and absolutely nowhere near any water.

 

Observations of the unemployed #003

It's actually really difficult to fill in job applications and try and sell yourself when the very fact that you were made redundant means that you feel kind of worthless.

People will tell you over and over again that you shouldn't take being made redundant personally but it's incredibly hard not to as it is, after all, a form of rejection. I think it especially feels like that for me because I was the only person doing my job - it's not as if they were making a team smaller and someone got the spot instead of me, I was seen as just completely irrelevant and got rid of.

I find job applications difficult enough at the best of times because I'm not a crower and a bragger but they're even more difficult when you've been kicked in the teeth. There's a part of you that wants to go "Well if I worked for these people for 5 years and they couldn't see the point of me then how on earth can I make someone else see that I'm worth hiring?"

And that sucks.

Observations of the unemployed #002

In your quest to find new things to do and distract yourself from the depression which threatens to overwhelm you, you will decide to try a new form of social networking and join Twitter.

And then realise you have absolutely no idea what you're doing.

(But the highlight of your day will be when Graze replies to one of your Tweets.)

Come find me: @Shippers1983

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PS I think that I've been away so long everyone might have forgotten my sense of humour. Just to refresh: I am super sarcastic and the things that I say tend to be a little tongue in cheek. I haven't really taken out any payday loans and given all my money to sick children.

Observations of the Unemployed #001

Things that could happen to you when you've been unemployed for some time and have watched a lot of daytime TV:

You could give away all your money as a result of endless adverts urging you to donate money to various charitable causes - neglected children, starving children, just generally sick children.

But it's ok, you can get one of those loans which are a mere 2,567% APR.