Photo an Hour l 21st March

06.35 : Up frightfully early for a weekend because I was about to embark on a huge journey. Not before fuelling up with Marmite on toast & a cup of tea though.

07.20 : In the car and ready to drive down the M5 to Somerset to visit my Dad. The prospect of a 3.5 hour trip down there was not making me feel excited.

09.25 : No photo for 8am as driving (safety first everyone!) But I did have a stop off at the Services after hitting a stressful diversion on the M5 which was closed for 4 junctions due to a lorry overturning and spilling about 600 litres of fuel all over the place.

11.10 : Destination reached! Hurrah! Cup of tea for the weary traveller.

12.30 : Oh no I'm back in a car again! But luckily not driving this time. Instead we were headed for an adventure...

13.30 : To the sea!! I love the sea! Technically not the sea, but the English Channel. And a stroll along the beach at Burton Bradstock. It was beautiful and there will obviously be a separate blog post devoted to it where I will spam your face with pictures of it.

14.30 : Some people go to the beach and have fish & chips - I do it in style baby. Messy style, but style nonetheless.

15.40 : Back at home and Shadow is not a happy girl. She did not enjoy the water and did not enjoy the sand. It's safe to say she's not a beach fan.

16.30 : Sat down to do a spot of crocheting, obviously there's something new on my hook...

17.30 : Dedication people. I will get back into running, I will. And so determined was I that I brought my stuff with me to go for a run at my Dad's. Not one of my best decisions, Crewkerne is absolutely littered with hills. They are everywhere. And because I was just aimlessly running I didn't know where I was going and I swear at one point I thought I had devised a route which only contained uphill streets and I was never going to make it back down again. Still. Felt smug at the end of it though.

18.30 : Back crocheting and admiring my awesome stitch markers.

19.40 : It's starting to take shape - but can you tell what it is yet?!

20.15 : Late dinner of breakfast. Obviously.

21.20 : What? More crochet? Oh go on then.

22.30 : BED. Too much adventuring for one girl to take.

-------------------------------------------

Thanks as always to Jane and Louisa for hosting. Check in with them to find out the date for April's Photo an Hour post and don't forget to join in on Twitter and/or Instagram using #PhotoAnHour

2015 Photo an Hour posts

January

February

Discovering Instagram...

I do enjoy being extraordinarily late to a party you know.

For years and years I have resisted the lure of the iPhone. Mainly because I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't find Apple technology intuitive to use at all, and also because there was a little bit of the twat in me who wanted to be a bit different.

I caved.

When it came to upgrading I didn't like any of the Android offerings so I decided to take the plunge. I still don't find the technology intuitive but the good thing is that in this day and age you're never more than 2 foot away from someone who can show you how to use an iPhone.

One of the first things downloaded on to my phone?

Instagram.

I've had a Windows Phone for 2 years and I have been one of their biggest supporters for a really long time. Or I've tried to be. But the total lack of access to Apps was just slowly killing me. And especially killing me was the fact that I couldn't get on Instagram - I was stood with my nose pressed up against the glass watching everyone else have fun with their selfies and their filters whilst I stood out in the cold.

The forward facing camera is also a new revelation in my life. My old phone didn't have one, selfies were either an impossibility or an extreme pain in the backside involving a lot of guess work and a steady hand. I always thought I wasn't really a selfie person but the sheer number of photos of my face in the below collage seems to indicate that I was just looking for the right means...

1: My first Instagram photo. A family portrait of me and the gerbils. Thank goodness for the forward facing camera or this photo would have been too difficult to capture.

2: Telecons that go on for 2 hours should be banned

3: But tea and knock-off jelly beans can make everything feel better

4: Me and my bestie, Rowan. I love that face so much, I can't believe she is 9 already

5: Some people are culture vultures, I just have culture gerbils. Here is Tyrion Lannister catching up on some reading. (Yes he did later start to eat the book)

6: My first food photo on Instagram. A killer bacon sandwich with spare sausage to help chase away a Saturday hangover.

7: I've been crocheting - what's it going to be, and more importantly, who is it for? All will be revealed.

8: I got my paintbrushes out and started making over a pretty boring side table. And nearly killed myself with paint fumes in the meantime. Why is DIY never straightforward for me?

9: I am determined to get myself back into running. I am. It has been a bit faltering this year but I took myself  out after work for a little 3km stumble and it wasn't all bad. Did I run the whole thing? No I didn't. Do I care? No, for the first time ever I genuinely don't. This revelation needed to be recorded.

---------------------------------------

Do you like photos and vidoes of gerbils? If so do feel free to give me a follow @Shippers1983

Return to Running

I really think I've got the hang of it this time guys. I know you must be bored of hearing it but this time, this time, I think I've cracked running.

I know that periodically posts appear on here where I say something along the lines of "I know I stopped running but now I've started again and I'm really loving it again."

Well guess what?

I'm not going to buck the trend.

Last year was a bad year for me running-wise. A really bad year. Messed up knees, a messed up calf, sciatica - good lord it was dreadful. Nearly every time I went out running I felt bad after it - if not physically, then mentally. If I didn't run as fast or as far as I did the time before I berated myself for 'losing it', if I did run faster or further then I berated myself for not running even faster or further.

I came home from runs and cried. I came home from runs and sulked. I came home and swore I wouldn't go out running again. I didn't enjoy it, I made it as little fun as I possibly could.

Not this time. I have said that this year I would like to beat my 10k time as part of my Not Really Resolutions and to that end I've signed up for a couple of 10ks this year as some motivation. But the memories of last year were running deep and I was finding every excuse under the sun to not go out and run - it would be too hard, it was too cold, it was too dark etc etc.

Eventually I snapped. I came home from work one evening and decided enough was enough. I put on my stuff and just went out before I had time to think about it. I figured that of course it was going to be rubbish - the last time I'd run was the beginning of September and I was now at the end of January. But the important thing was to just get out, make the first move, go go go go.

And I went.

I went out and ran 3km. Without stopping. I couldn't really believe it. And I couldn't work out why it had happened.

It happened because I wasn't mean to myself. I just went out just to see what would happen. I didn't place any expectations on myself and the whole way round I didn't have a loop running in my head saying "Oh my god you can't do this, you're definitely going to be too tired". Instead I channelled my inner This Girl Can and said to myself "Hey, at least you're not sat on the sofa like you would have been. You're already winning."

 I went out running a couple of days later and it was much harder - it was absolutely freezing and I've been battling a mega cough for about three weeks - the cold air hit my lungs and shrivelled them up and induced a couple of such major coughing fits that at one point I thought I was going to throw up in the street. But I finished off coughing, assured the old couple who thought I was about to keel over that I was fine and carried on running. And I came home and said "Good work, you carried on running even though it was rubbish."

I went again and it was all fine. My knee hurt a bit afterwards so I didn't go out running again until it was properly better. I didn't try and force the issue and run through it. And when I went out running tonight it was the best out of the four runs.

I haven't once said to myself "You're only running 3km, you should be running further by now." When I feel like it, I'll run further and see how it goes. No more saying I have to run the whole thing. Eventually I'll be able to run the whole way. It might take absolutely ages, I might not beat my 10k time this year. But I'd rather not beat it and enjoy running than drive myself into a pit of despair and injury again by being constantly mean to myself the whole time.

So there are no training plans. There is no pressure. There is no more apologising that I haven't run that far or that fast.

Going out and doing any kind of running is better than sitting in on your arse.


Remind me of this post when I'm having a freak out that I'm not "improving", yeah?

The Not Really Resolutions 2015 - The Introduction

It's time. I'm ready for you 2015.

If there's nothing else this blog is good for, it's been absolutely awesome at getting me to set myself some actual goals and then attempt to see them through. Ok, they're not massive huge things, they're usually just stuff that I really needed to do anything but will never get done because I have a tendency to sit in front of the TV watching something with absolutely zero cultural merit.

I can't actually believe that this is the fifth year of doing these - anyone bored yet?!

---------------------------

1. Read ten Classics/Non-Fiction
So for the past four years I have set myself the challenge of reading twelve Classics throughout the year. The idea behind this originally was just to try and expand my reading repertoire and it's been great at doing that but lately it's started to feel like a chore. It's become something that I've started to get a bit stressed out about and that's no good to anyone.

I've also realised that I don't read a lot of non-fiction and I wanted to rectify that. I didn't want to add in reading non-fiction on top of Classics as I'm not the speediest of readers so I thought I'd take my foot off the pedal a little bit and set myself the challenge of reading 10 books that are either Classics or non-fiction.

2. Go to two Park Runs a month (on average)
When I was looking at getting my car one of the reasons I was really looking forward to it was the freedom it would give me to do more. There is a Park Run tantalisingly close to me but inaccessible unless you have your own transport so now I've got it there can be no more excuses.

(I put in the "on average" when I realised that I'll be away for the first 3 weekends of January...)

This will also tie in nicely with number 3...

3. Beat my 10k time
Last year was the worst year ever when it came to running for me. It feels like I was injured in one form of the other for the whole year - I spent a ridiculous amount of money on physiotherapists and osteopaths and I was completely incapable of winning the battle between myself and my head when I was out stomping around the streets.

But this year is the year that I sort all this out. No more injuries. Just no. No no no no. Well I mean there probably will be, but hopefully nothing too debilitating.

I am roping in the help of my blogger friends with this one - I'm hoping that the encouragement of excellent runners like Miss Pond and Lucy will help me achieve this goal.

4. Design and make my own amigurumi
Last year was the Year of the Amigurumi and it felt like all I did in 2014 was crochet zebras, elephants and horses. But I'm still very much a slave to the pattern and don't have the confidence to take it off the page and out of my head.

But I know I have all the tools to make my own animal/character - amigurumi is basically just a series of shapes and once you can do one you can do any of the others - but I just need to take the time out to sit and design something myself.

5. Crochet an item of clothing
Amigurumi is sorted. Blankets are sorted. But I don't feel that skill-wise I'm really going anywhere at the moment. I see people who have never crocheted before picking up a hook and a couple of months later are dashing about in jumpers and cardigans that they've made. I need to take the plunge and do something out of my comfort zone.

(And no I promise I won't crochet a scarf and call this one complete :) )

6. Blog 3x a week (on average)
I'm an advocate of saying that blogging should be fun and shouldn't feel like a chore and I really do feel that way, but sometimes even with the fun stuff there needs to be a little planning and preparation that goes in to it. I always feel as if I have lots to blog about but I don't get myself organised and then it's easy to be lazy and then there's no point really doing it....etc etc. It's time to get organised. Three posts a week shouldn't be that hard.

She says...

7. Finish one cross stitch piece that's just for me
I have a couple of things on the go at the moment that I've put to one side in favour of crocheting. The trouble is that in comparison to crocheting, cross stitch just takes such a long time. The results are nowhere near as immediate and that can start to become off-putting.

8. Tetris blanket
No seriously. THIS is the year. I've neglected this for way too long. This year will make it the third year that it has appeared on a Not Really Resolution list. I'm not even going to say "Finish Tetris blanket" I'm just making it a statement and whenever I'm looking for something else to put on my hook I will hear a voice in my head that just says "Tetris Blanket" with a slightly disapproving tone.

9. Go somewhere I've never been before each month
This is a follow on from 2014's Do One Interesting Thing each month. I don't want to fall into a rut of doing the same interesting thing each month though - I need to keep challenging myself and now I have a little car of my own it should make adventuring even more fun.

10. Makeover three pieces of furniture
I've been slowly plugging away at getting the flat looking how I would like it to look. I figured it was time to do it so I can stop living life like a student, plus it's a nice distraction. I figure that as I'll be spending a lot of time in it given that I'm the only person responsible for all the bills now, it might as well look nice whilst I'm at it.

Furniture-wise I probably have everything that I need but it is still all a bit of a mish mash which is adding to the weird studenty vibe. Just giving something a little slap of paint will make all the difference I'm hoping.

-------------------------

So there we have it.

Come at me 2015.

Not Really Resolutions 2014 l The Conclusion

*Insert standard sentence about "Oh my goodness where has the past year gone?"*

Seriously though. What a year. Right now I'll be very glad to see the back of 2014 but before I shove it out of the door I need to take a few minutes to update you on 2014's Not Really Resolutions. After 2013's miserable performance (2 out of 10 resolutions anyone?!) I felt sure that 2014 couldn't be that bad, and actually it's not gone badly...

1. Read 12 Classics

Completed! After failing last year for the first year ever I felt like I wanted to go for this full force. I've had a pretty good mix of more 'classic' Classics and more modern Classics. Quick overview of some of this year's Classics?

Vile Bodies - easy to read, bit of fluff, funny, but not my favourite Waugh.
Lady Chatterley's Lover - not really that rude it turns out.
The Woman in Black - actually full on made me feel scared when I was reading it. Chilling.
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - just...weird.
Of Human Bondage - took an age to read but I loved it, which is quite a feat considering that the main character is such a sap. But despite that I kept rooting for him.
Mrs Dalloway - oh I could not get into this at all. It's such a short book but I struggled through every page. Would be very wary of picking up another Woolf.

I always enjoy this challenge and have been doing it for the four years that I've been doing the Not Really Resolutions but I think 2015 might see time for a bit of a change.


2. Eat 1 Vegetarian meal per week

Oh dear. This really could have happened and I hate to be a massive tit and blame everything on the break up but I really do. Post break-up my eating habits have just been plain horrific and I haven't made anything, much less go to the effort of looking up vegetarian recipes to try out.

I think I did about 30 veggie meals which is half way there so it depends what my yardstick is for achieving a Not Really Resolution - if it's 50% then I totally did it.

Mind you the number of times I ate toast or had a jacket potato with beans post break-up I probably did end up hitting 52 meals.

3. Do 1 interesting thing each month

January - Trip to London including a visit to see Chloe
February - Trip to Leicester to meet up with Janet
March - A trip to America to see American Girl and Boy get married and take a little road trip around Arizona (can't believe I still haven't finished blogging about that. Eek.)
April - FA Cup Semi-Final at Wembley to see Hull City beat Sheffield United
May - Trip to the London Pet Show and a rainy Bank Holiday outing to a resevoir
June - A trip to North Yorkshire to see Heather
July - The Color Run in Manchester, a trip to London to Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium
August - Nothing - but I was laid up with sciatica at the time so I'm letting myself off
September - A trip to France to see my Dad and a trip to Birmingham with some work friends
October - A night out at the dogs with work people
November - A trip to Bristol
December - A trip to Marrakech - even if all didn't go quite to plan...

4. Save up to buy a car

All done! It's worked out a bit more expensive than planned given that this was supposed to be something that two people were paying for but whatever, I did it all myself and that makes it even more awesome.

5. Finish my Tetris blanket

Not even close. In fact I don't think I even picked it up this year shamefully. The closest I came to it was buying a light up crochet hook because I knew I had an inordinate amount of black squares to make and thought it might make me blind.

I won't feel too bad though. According to my records I made 26 amigurumi things for people this year which is actually pretty immense when you really stop and think about it.

And that doesn't include the random dinosaur I made for funsies...

...or the Father Christmases...

Anyway. You get my drift. No Tetris blanket this year.

6. Learn something new

I was all set to go "Nope, not achieved this one either" and then I thought I wouldn't be so harsh on myself because actually I did learn something new this year. I learned to be on my own. And whilst it isn't as if I was a massive sap who was completely dependent on someone for their very existence, when someone who has been in your life for 13 years ups and leaves you there is a huge amount of readjusting to do.

I'm giving myself a massive gold star for this one because I didn't have a complete breakdown over anything when I really did feel like it. I got on with it and I learned that I'm not a total idiot, he's a total idiot.

And if that's the only new thing I learned this year then I'm ok with that.

7. Sell something at a craft fair

Well no I didn't.

But, see Point 5.

I was a craft fair this year. I was my own personal craft fair and seeing as the reason to do this was to make some money and feel that my stuff was good enough to put out in the public space I have actually achieved that. I've sold my stuff to people and have made some money from it and therefore I'm going to count this as complete.

I know. I'm a massive cheat.

8. Beat my 10k time

Let's not talk about this shall we?

Let's just say that 2014 was the Year that Running Forgot. It was my Annus Horribilis Runnus. I was either injured or mentally broken for 2014 and that did not make for a good runner. Since my bout of sciatica in August I haven't run at all. I will be back to the beginning once I start running again - ugh.

---------------------------------------------

There we have it. Five out of eight will do me very nicely.

I'm looking forward to seeing what 2015 has in store for me.

I think.

Not Really Resolutions 2014 l Update

1. Read 12 Classics

Still going well on this one and certainly better than I did in 2013. I've got a good mix in here of 'classic' Classics and more modern "are they really Classics?" Classics.

I guess I've relaxed my rules a little bit as the years have gone on with this not really resolution. Before I wouldn't have read anything that didn't have Penguin Classics written on it anywhere but now I'll whack it in there if it's just a well known one. I don't know if Murder on the Orient Express can count as a Classic - but it's famous so I've added it in.

I do enjoy this challenge but I think that next year there may be a modification...

2. Eat 1 vegetarian meal per week

I am trying guys, I really swear I am. I think the trouble here is just lack of inspiration. Every vegetarian recipe that I look at just makes me go....bleh. At the moment of posting we are 35/36 weeks into the year and I have completed 30 veggie meals.

Easy Cheesy Bake

There was a point where I thought this was going to be much worse so I'm feeling ok about it.

Please please please feel free to hit me up with your veggie recipes. Just as long as they don't involve carrots, sweet potato or anything in that ilk - The Person isn't a fan and I'm not up for making massive meals just for myself. I've also found that the vegetarian meals that I tend to like the look of also seem to involve outrageous amounts of cheese.

Spinach & Mushroom lasagne

Another thing I've found is that it is wicked hard to photograph veggie meals in a way that makes them look good and not like random piles of veggie mush.

Tomato, chickpea & green chilli stew

3. Do 1 interesting thing each month

January - Trip to London including getting to see Chloe
February - Trip to Leicester to meet up with Janet
March - America baby!
April - FA Cup Semi-Final at Wembley to see Hull City beat Sheffield United
May - Trip to the London Pet Show (where I totally met Chris Packham!) and a rainy Bank Holiday outing to a reservoir
June - Picnic at the Castle with The Person and a trip up to see North Yorkshire and see Heather that I still haven't blogged about yet.
July - The Color Run in Manchester at the Etihad Stadium and a VERY exciting trip that I haven't had a chance to blog about yet.
August - Well. I did nothing. But that's because I spent most of it laid up with sciatica. But one quiet month is ok by me.

4. Save up to buy a car

This one is going well. We should have a car by the end of October - squee!

5. Finish my Tetris blanket

Not a Tetris Blanket

It's just neeeeeeeever going to happen is it? I don't feel too bad about it, it's not like I've been sitting on my behind doing knack all. I've crocheted 23 animals this year and I've managed to make another blanket (which I still need to blog about). I don't think that's bad going. But next year I'm definitely going to become a bit more selfish.

6. Learn something new

Still working on this one...

7. Sell something at a craft fair

I don't think this one is going to happen (see Point 5). What I need to do is take time out to build up stock before I can think about craft fairs. Definitely one to think about next year though - I'm going to have a little practice at Christmas time with crocheting a job lot of pieces up. What I really need to think about is what I might need as stock.

8. Beat my 10k time

Oh dear. Oh very dear dear. The Hull 10k was awful and terrible but I really pulled myself up by my bootstraps to get a shift on. I secretly signed up to another 10k at the end of August and my training was going really really well. I managed 6km running without stopping and was feeling so so confident. And then - hello sciatica. I was barely able to walk, let alone run, for all of August so the 10km went un-run and now I have nothing to sign up for as we're entering the winter months.

More to the point, being unable to run has meant I've got out of the habit of running and now I haven't run in over a month and can't find the motivation to start again...

Next year though. I need to beat those Hull 10k demons!

--------------------------------

4 more months to go!

(Last update here)

The Color Run l Manchester 5th July

After the drama of this year's Hull 10k I think I would be forgiven for never putting my trainers on again.

Not really. That would have made me the most ridiculous human alive.

Luckily for me I didn't really have a choice as many moons ago I had booked The Person and I into to do The Color Run in Manchester at the Etihad Stadium. Getting covered in paint in my favourite city? Erm yes please.

It isn't the cheapest of runs at £25 per person and I did hover for a second before making the payment but it turns out I don't think I've ever had as much fun on £25, not even when I was student and it was a vodka and coke for 80p on a Monday night in 5th Avenue.

Your £25 gets you your very own white t-shirt to run in, a white headband, a transfer tattoo and a kind of pointless poncho - in other words, all you need to be a super cool person.

I was excited to find out that Miss Pond was going to be running too - a trip to Manchester, getting covered in paint and meeting an Internet Friend in real life?! - too much my friends. Too much.

We almost didn't meet up as it turns out that trying to find one person in a crowd of 5,000 when every single person is wearing a white t-shirt is pretty much the most difficult thing on earth. Luckily I managed to spot a hand waving out of the top of the crowd and I buzzed my way through the crowd to find myself in an awesome group of runners (made up of ladies also known as The Lady Sybil, Katherine Sully, and Phat Cupcake) and actually really close to the start of the race.

This is not the place to try and aim for a PB, this is not the race to take yourselves super seriously, this is the place to have a bit of a run and generally enjoy yourself. This is why I was actually quite surprised at how much not fun some people seemed to be having. We made a pretty lively group and I was all for whooping and high five-ing fellow runners as we weaved past each other but some. people. were not up for that kind of shit. Weird. If you can't have fun at The Color Run I literally don't know where you can.

Knowing that roughly every kilometre you're going to get blasted by powdered paint makes running a hell of a lot easier and that first blast of pink was quite the shock. I'd heard people say that they didn't really get covered in paint at these kinds of runs but I have absolutely no idea how. We were head to foot covered in awesome pink colour.

In fact if there was only one piece of advice I could give you it is to say make really sure you don't breathe a lot of that paint in. Harmless it may be, but it is dust nonetheless, and if you have a pretty decent case of asthma I wouldn't say that this is the race for you.

I probably should have taken more photos, a lot of people were stopping after each stage to do that but as much as I wasn't trying to zoom around the whole course, I didn't want to get caught up in crazily massive crowds either. Sometimes, it's ok to not document every single moment of everything you're experiencing. My brain is doing a pretty good job of remembering for me.

There isn't any more to say really. You run, people throw paint at you, you finish, you throw more paint around and take a load of photos and dance about like a loon, you get on a tram back to the centre of Manchester.

If that doesn't make you want to join in I have no idea what will.

So I'll see you there next year, yeah?

Hull 10k l 2014 l aka A Tale of How my Brain Hates Me

I really really wanted this to be a triumphant post about my recent Hull 10k. You would think that after last year's 10k that wasn't a 10k, this year's run couldn't really be much worse for me.

You would be wrong.

Sometimes I forget that actually I'm not really a very experienced runner. If you discount last year's race, this one would be my third ever 10km. (The first being in Preston in 2012 and then last year's Whipsnade Zoo Stampede with my fellow Stampeder Lucy.)

Training did not go well for this 10km. I was first of all lazy to get started and then was laid up for 2 months in Dec/Jan with a messed up knee. When I started back I just found it nigh on impossible to make any headway. I felt like I wasn't building up any stamina at all and wasn't making the inroads that I thought I would be.

This is the problem with having been able to do something, then being lazy and letting it slip away. You spend a lot of time berating yourself for letting it slip away and the fact that you can't get it back. If you have my brain you will constantly get on at yourself for how you used to be able to do this and now you can't and aren't you a terrible person and what the hell is wrong with you why can't you just do it already.

My brain isn't very nice to me.

Then I got injured again. Then I started back running again. Then I had a very bad run on a very hot day and I cried. Then I got a bad back and couldn't run again.

Then I thought that I might just be getting better. Which was a breakthrough because I was pretty insistent at one point that every time I went out running I was getting worse at it.

Unfortunately it was all a little too late. By the time that the Hull 10k rolled around the furthest I had managed to run without having to stop and walk was 5km and the furthest run I'd completed was 7km.

I knew that it was unlikely that I was going to make it all the way around without walking but I hoped that being in a race situation and the crowds and the fact that Hull is so flat whereas my home turf is more up and down - I harboured a secret feeling very deep down inside me that I might do better than I thought.

I did not.

 Bless me. Taking photos of my kit before the race like a real runner

This race could be a case study in the importance of your brain when it comes to running. Not your lungs. Not your legs. But your brain.

So much of running is about your mind power. And as I've already mentioned I am just not very mentally strong when it comes to running, not strong at all.

The main factors that were my downfall in this race:

1. The fact that I just wasn't ready (kind of a big one)

2. The heat. After all this crappy weather, this was the day that the sun came out and it hit 20 degrees.

3. My brain.

Mostly it was my brain.

I started out and actually for the first 2kms felt pretty good. I was going along quite happily and feeling good about it and then it was like a switch flipped in my brain and I realised how absolutely roasting I was. I overheat anyway when I run, I overheat thinking about heat, running and heat for me are not good combinations. And in fact any time that I have run in heat it has not turned out well at all (remind me to tell you about the time I tried to run 5km in Phoenix....).

"It's too hot. You're too tired. You'll have to stop. It's just too hot."

And I made the fatal error of slowing to a walk just after the 3km mark.

Some people can walk a bit and run a bit and walk a bit. For me, walking is the death knell. I find it so hard to start and even harder to keep going. Any time I try interval training all that happens is the walks get longer and the running gets slower and my brain gets nastier.

I was disciplined and said I was only allowed to walk for 3 minutes. I stuck to it and started running again.

I was walking again just after the 4km mark.

Again I said I was only allowed to walk for 3 minutes and again I started to run again.

About 5.5km I saw my Mum, my lone supporter on this race. It was actually the worst thing. I ran past her got about a further 300m and nearly stopped altogether. I wanted to quit. I didn't see the point in continuing. I had blown it as far as getting a PB was concerned. I had blown it as far as my aim was concerned (I'd wanted to make it to 6km before walking) and as far as my brain was concerned I had blown everything. I was useless. I was shit at running. I couldn't even do this one thing for myself.

It become one massive negative feedback loop on myself. My brain telling me I couldn't do it --> me slowing to a walk --> my brain crowing that I couldn't do it --> and repeat.

To be honest I don't even know why I did keep going - for most of the way between 6km and 7km I'm pretty sure I walked. Then I figured that I was more than half way done and might as well just get on with it and get it over and done with.

Unfortunately around this point my body as well as my brain began to fail. My back started hurting and my legs felt like they were wading through the sea. A sea made up of embarrassment and failings.

I couldn't even run the last 1km and I can always run the last kilometre.

I crossed the finish line and didn't feel anything. I didn't even feel relief that it was over, I just went and collected my goodie bag and made my way to the meeting point to meet up with my Mum. There was no post-run euphoria. Just blankness.

Then I started in on my stupid brain. I was so mad at myself for giving in. If I'd just been stronger and carried on running at that 3km mark I could have made it so much further. Why was I so weak? Why was I not made of stronger stuff?

So basically my brain attacked my brain which attacked me.

I think there were a couple of issues apart from my mental brain problems and the heat (oh the heat!) and the fact that I wasn't ready.

1. I was running on my own. The Person was going to run with me but had to work this weekend so stayed at home whilst I went to Hull on my own. A friend was supposed to be running but dropped out because she was even less prepared than I was.
2. No support. Apart from my Mum there was no-one cheering me on. Even with a crowd of well-wishers along the way, if you know that no-one's really there to wish you on it makes it tough.
3. Nothing to run for. I wasn't doing this for charity, I was doing it for myself. Which is all good and well as long as yourself isn't a mad evil brain that turns on you when you find it gets tough.

I didn't want to tell anyone my time but there's no point not acknowledging it. It was 1:18:46. Hilariously that is basically the same time as the very first 10km I did in Preston which I actually ran. As in ran all of it. I don't even know how I ran that slowly.

In a way that should have made me feel better because hey, I might have walked but that means that when I was running I was running faster than I used to be able to.

Instead my brain said "See you idiot, if you hadn't walked so much you'd have done even better."

I know. I don't know why it's so mean to me.

The t-shirt in the goody bag made me smile. I cannot think of anyone who made less of a big impression on the Hull 10k in 2014. Unless that big impression was the massive stomping footprint that my brain made on myself.

I have thought a lot about whether or not to continue on the running path I'm on. It's not normal to beat yourself up this badly all the time. It's not normal to do exercise and instead of feeling a rush of endorphins, feeling a headrush of shame at how shit you are.

But deep down inside I do know that my brain is wrong. I am not totally shit at running. I do like it and do enjoy it.

So right now I'm saying, never say never....

My running manifesto

I saw on Miss Pond's blog that she had created a running manifesto (in fact I linked to it in one of my Internet Love posts) and I thought to myself "I need one of those".

I can feel like I'm almost at the point where I'm going to fall back in love with running again. We go in and out and in and out and in and out of love but this downswing has been particularly tough and it's taking me a long long time.

Unfortunately for me, time has run out and I will be running the Hull 10k on Sunday. I wish I could say that I felt ready for it but I really really don't and I know that I won't be able to run the whole race which is making me feel pretty down about it.

But anyway...

Run Dem Crew Youngers are trying to encourage young people to get out and running by creating their own running manifesto and whilst I may not be young, I do need some motivation right now...

Running is…like being part of a gang

Running is not…easy

I run…because I know that every time I do it, I’m getting stronger

I run for…the sake of my health

I run because…I never thought that I would be able to

I run when…I am happy, sad, angry, excited and everything in between 

I run with…my Podcasts for company

I have never run…with the aim of beating a PB

I have always run...in the evening

I run in spite of…the fact that I don’t run fast

I don’t run…first thing in the morning

I should run…even when I don’t think I want to

I might run…with a running group

I will run…with more confidence

And now I just need to memorise this and recite it to myself as I'm running around on Sunday!

BEDM Day 14: The Potterer's Weekend

This past weekend was one of those great weekends where you simultaneously do nothing and everything. I think it's the knowledge of knowing that nothing has to be done that makes me so productive on weekends like that. Once things are planned and "in the diary" it becomes a case of fitting it all in, and there's nothing like that feeling that makes me want to hide away and not do anything at all.

But on a weekend where nothing is planned the opportunities are endless and they end up becoming some of the most productive.

Who doesn't love a good potter? Pottering about aimlessly always ends up things being ticked off your list. You might not go about everything in the most logical order but you wander and roam and eventually things get done.

And so this weekend we:

Erranded: Dry cleaning was picked up, cheques were put in the bank, some overdue make-up was bought

Relaxed: We visited my most favourite tearoom in the history of tearooms. It really deserves a post of its own so I won't bore you with it now.

Acted like kids: We have a Panini World Cup sticker book and our new (rather expensive) obsession is buying packets of stickers to fill the pages. I'm even indulging in swapsies at work.

Watched: Eurovision. You will not find a bigger Eurovision fan than me. I love that programme and won't be without it. I completely get that it's not to everyone's tastes but to me it's my childhood. Mum, Dad and I watched it all together every year and if I ever have children I will make them stay up and watch it too. I love it and everything about it and this year was a good year.

Crocheted: A tortoise. Definitely the most complicated amigurumi that I've made so far in terms of construction but I'm pleased that I made it through alive without having to resort to violence. She's really hard to take photos of that get all of her details in but that happy little face is one of my favourites. Only two more animals to make and then I'm free of my orders and the doors to my unofficial shop are closed.

Ran: The Hull 10km is in four weeks and even though I'm resigned to not being able to run the whole thing I am also determined not to give up. I needed to run 6.5km this weekend so I strapped my new toy to my wrist (a Garmin Forerunner 10 if you're interested) and set off. It wasn't perfect and I had to walk a few times but hey at least I started running again after I'd stopped - that's got to count for something, right?!

Reminisced: I saw something very familiar on the new Bulmers advert. Namely my old Halls of Residence from when I was studying at the University of Manchester. That white tower block with the black box on top of it in the centre of the photo above is the lovely Chandos Hall which is where The Person and I met 12.5 years ago. Aaaaaah...

Saved a life: I donated my 18th pint of blood this weekend which made me feel bloody well good about myself. If you don't give blood - you should.

Shifted: All the furniture in the spare bedroom needed a good shift around and this weekend was the first one that it was possible to do so. It still means that if someone comes to stay, we'll have to move a chest of drawers in order to have the room to pull out the sofa bed, but it looks better than it did. Just need someone to come and stay now!

Ate: Everything.

BEDM Day 9 - Motivation

I should be brimming over with motivation for my running at the moment. I have entered the Run for All Hull 10km which is taking place in just under a month and the closer I get, the motivated I should be - right?

Not really.

I've tried everything I can think of - I've written myself out a not particularly demanding training plan, I've tried to remember everything I wrote in my Guide to Mediocre Running, I've promised to go easy on myself - but nothing seems to be working.

My injuries haven't helped matters either and neither quite frankly has my weight, it is not lost on me that I'm trying to run this 10km weighing a fair bit more than any of my others.

I go through fairly regular periods of falling in and out of love with running. It takes me a while to get back to enjoying it and not minding the sweat and lung burning and tired legs that come as part and parcel of lugging myself around my chosen route. At the moment I'm frustrated with what I'm perceiving as a lack of progress - somehow I seem to be running faster than I used to be able to, but I'm just totally unable to turn that into running for longer periods. If I was training for a 5km I'd probably be happy about now but instead I feel frustrated and annoyed.

I have decided to let myself off the hook for this 10km. I'm not going to be ready in time to be able to run the whole thing, a month just isn't long enough to get to where I need to be, instead I'm going to work on not mentally beating myself black and blue if I have to walk. (No mean feat let me tell you.)

But I need a little extra motivation to get myself to still go out there and run.

So I turned to retail therapy - not often my first choice.

How can I not want to go out running now when I have the opportunity to wear these guys...

...and these guys....

Both are from Adidas and come on the recommendation of Miss Pond - I saw her cool leggings and had to get in on the action.

It may seem weird that someone who feels intensely paranoid whenever they go out and run in public would buy running tights like these but the way I reason it is that if I think everyone is looking at me anyway, I might as well look like a lunatic. Now I can try and convince myself that they're not looking at me because I look peculiar when I run but are actually looking at me because  they are jealous of how super cool I look.

And it almost worked you know - when I got them I really wanted to go out and go for a run straight away.

I didn't....but....you know....I felt motivated to...so that's half the battle surely?

BEDM Day 7 - May Day Bank Holiday

This latest Bank Holiday saw me back in the Mothership for a weekend of me and Mum time. I'd actually booked the tickets a long time back because I thought I was going out for someone's birthday but sometimes things just don't turn out like you thought they would. But that was fine, it meant more time for me to spend with Mumsie.

I took no crochet with me, just the ridiculously large hardback copy of A Dance with Dragons, the final book in the Song of Ice & Fire series (a.k.a. Game of Thrones). It is just too big that book, but I knew I was finally coming to the end of it and could get through a good chunk of it on the Megabus journey. I started it on 31 March and have been held back from finishing it sooner purely by the literal size of it - it is just physically difficult to lug around with you. Luckily for those reading it in paperback, it has been split into two books - although I can't lie to you, they're still outrageously large.

Speaking of ridiculously large things one of Mum's friends came round to see her with some spare rhubarb from his allotment. Cue Mum walking in with a heavy duty bin liner that she could barely lift. See picture below (Lily is captured for a size reference).

Mum spent a fair portion of my time stewing rhubarb, but there was still a fairly huge pile left so I was dispatched back to the Midlands carrying what felt like half a stone of rhubarb on my back.

Whilst Mum stewed rhubarb, I drank cider, because I know how to roll on a Bank Holiday. I am not a drinker of 'proper' wee-coloured cider. Not at all the time at least. I am mostly a drinker of namby bamby fruit ciders that basically don't taste of alcohol. I feel like I might as well be drinking a bottle of Hooch, so little have my drinking habits changed over the years.

Question - isn't Apple kind of a given flavour when you're drinking cider?

Obviously there was much Fred and Lily time. Lily was uncharacteristically affectionate with me this trip - normally she just loves Mum but I was honoured to have the pleasure of her company on my lap quite a few times. That top right picture is her watching Pillow Talk on Saturday night with me. (If you've never watched it you are missing out.) 

That's Fred yawning by the way. He's not really fierce.

I didn't just stay in, drinking cider, stewing rhubarb and playing with cats though.

We took a wander in to town where I got to admire Queen's Gardens looking flippin' fit in the sunshine with their newly planted beds and I even took a trip to East Park for a run with a friend. We probably did a little bit more walking than we should have done but at least we were out doing something yeah? Let's call it interval training.

And anyway, who cares about the running when you can see a deer like this little baby down below?

It may not have been a heady Bank Holiday, full of boozing and boozing and some more boozing but it was a Bank Holiday full of things I love:

- Cider

- Reading

- Fred and Lily

- Time with Mumsie

- My city looking pretty

(Not in order of importance)

So a little lesson that sometimes in disappointment, nice things can come.

------------------------------------

PS Have you read all the Game of Thrones books? Want to talk about brilliant theories of what might come next if George R R Martin ever gets on with writing another book? TALK TO ME.

PPS I'm not weird, I call her Mumsie because that was what Richard O'Brien used to call his Mumsie on The Crystal Maze. What can I say - I'm a product of the 90s.

BEDM Day 3 - Not Really Resolutions 2014: Update 1

I was supposed to do this post at the end of March when we were a quarter of the way through the year but somehow something magical happened and we reached the end of April and we're a third of the way through the year instead.

Oh well.

1. Read 12 Classics

We're off to a good ol' start on this front. Not surprising as this is the Not Really Resolution that I don't normally struggle with.

Lady Chatterley's Lover was a bit of a surprise, it wasn't what I was thinking at all. I think with all the fuss that's made about it I thought it was some kind of Fifty Shades of Grey but it's actually a really sad book in a way about the loss of female identity. At least that's what I read into it. But yeah there's a bit of rudey in it too.

Flowers for Algernon is a beautiful book and a slight cheat because I have read it before but it's lovely and it makes me cry at the end and it's only teeny tiny so you definitely have to pick it up.

2. Eat 1 vegetarian meal a week

I'm currently a little behind on this one, it's not quite working out at one a week, some weeks it has been none and others it has been three but as long as I eat 52 I'm calling it a win. I have a whole post for talking about my adventures in meatless cooking though. You lucky devils.

3. Do 1 interesting thing each month

This is coming along very nicely indeed. I got off to a great start in January by seeing the lovely Chloe and continued the meeting up with internet people theme in February by meeting up with Janet and exploring Leicester. March doesn't have a specific post but I went road tripping in America so I think we can call that month taken care of interestingness-wise. April passed by in a bit of blur, I didn't even really do anything for my birthday but I did go to Wembley to see Hull City beat Sheffield United in the FA Cup Semi Final so I reckon that is up there on the interesting scale.

4. Save up to buy a car

Yeah I definitely need to put a plan into action for this one or else it's not going to end well...

5. Finish my Tetris blanket

Not a Tetris blanket

Ugh. I wish. Unfortunately I haven't been able to work on this, much as I would like. As I mentioned in this post back in February I have been making a lot of amigurumi stuff. And if you follow me on Twitter you will see a lot of photos of animals flying off my hook. The trouble is that word got round at work that I could make these animals and orders came flying in. And they just won't stop. This is for two reasons - one being that it's earning me a little bit of money on the side (although I'm not charging anywhere near what I should be for the time it takes) and the other being that I find it hard to say no. In my messed up little head saying to someone "Actually I'm sorry but I'm not taking any more orders" is the same thing as punching someone in the face. What can I say? I'm a people pleaser.

I have decided to be firm and am absolutely shutting up shop so I can make something for myself.

Probably.

6. Learn something new

Still waiting on this one. Maybe inspiration will strike? Anybody want to teach me something?

7. Sell something at a craft fair

Hmmmm. Not sure about this one. Although technically if I'm selling all this amigurumi stuff doesn't that mean that I'm kind of selling stuff a craft fair.....No?

8. Beat my 10k time

Oh dear.

At the moment this has never seemed further away. I started off the year laid up thanks to a completely random knee injury that occurred in the flat. Apparently I am a person capable of tearing the tendons in my kneecap just by standing still. I don't know what happened. My knee overlocked, there was searing pain, it swelled to twice its size, I was in agony all over Christmas and New Year. I eventually went to a physiotherapist and after paying an ungodly amount of money and being poked and prodded and given homework my knee was fixed again.

I'm signed up to the Run for All Hull 10km which is taking place at the beginning of June. I put a training plan in place and off I went. Running life was good until this weekend when I went trotting out on a Saturday run. The wind was in my hair, a lovely podcast was in my ears, a searing pain was in my left calf....oh hello. I have no idea what I did, I guess I wasn't warmed up enough (although I never warm up before my runs, I don't run fast enough to make it worth warming up) and I definitely didn't trip or stumble over anything. There wasn't a 'pop' or anything dramatic, it just hurt. A lot. And when I thought I might be able to "run it off" I most certainly could not. I hopped about for a little bit and then resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to limp the mile home looking terribly terribly sorry for myself.

I guess I should be grateful that I don't run faster, I could have been even further from home when it happened.

So yes. I'm not running again. Hopefully only for a week, after not being able to walk at all on Saturday I was much improved the day after and every day it feels a little bit better. Let's keep our fingers crossed, yeah?

This does mean that beating my 10km time seems terribly unlikely. At the moment running 10km without stopping seems terribly unlikely. *sulks*

-------------------------------------

[Don't understand why I'm doing these things? Take a look at this post to see my reasonings behind them.]

The Girl's Guide to Mediocre Running

This is not the guide to read if you are planning on running marathons. It's not even the guide to read if you're planning on running half-marathons. It's not the guide to read if your aim is to run sub 50 minute 10ks. Nor is it the guide to read if your aim is to run sub 60 minute 10ks for that matter.

It's not the guide to read if you want to become the world's best runner and it's definitely not the guide to read if you want to work so hard you vomit after each run (because by the way, when you do that, it means your body has been put through too much and you're an idiot, not that you're super awesome and hardcore.) 

This is the guide to read for those people who have been running for years and yet still turn an alarming shade of red after they've been running for 5 minutes. This is the guide if you have never run before but kind of want to do a bit of bimbling about around the local park or up and down the street you live on. This is the guide to read if you know you don't really want to run, but feel like you ought to go out and run off that entire packet of Digestives you just inhaled.*

For I am the above person. I have been running for years. I've done a couple of 10ks and a couple of 5ks. But I'm never going to reach the dizzying heights of sub-60 anything, unless the sub-60 you're talking about is a sub-60 second eating of a packet of crisps.

So here is my guide to mediocre running:

1. Your first outside run is terrifying - so do it ridiculously early in the morning when there's no-one about. I got up at 7.30am on a Saturday to do my first outdoor run, which consisted of a run to the nearest park, once around and back again. You will feel like a weird person and be convinced everyone is staring at you but they're really not, and anyway...

2. Stuff those people on the street - those lazy bitches are walking whereas you are running. Or jogging. Or probably running at a pace that some people could keep up with at a fast walk. Whatevs. You have trainers on so you win. And whilst we're on the point of running in public...

3. No-one knows how far you've run. I was serious about the red face - I look like I'm going to collapse after 1km, but I look exactly the same after I've run 8km as well. So instead of feeling embarassed that you look out of breath, pretend that you've run 13 miles already and you're allowed to look a little tired. If you have the breath, as you're running past someone, try and say "Whew! 12 miles done already in 20 minutes, I am caning it today!"

4. Stay clear of all those running CDs and dance music. Those CDs have their place, especially in a race, but those running CDs are full of songs which are of a much faster tempo than the one at which you're running at. Trust me, as a mediocre runner, those songs are too fast. I was having massive issues being able to run at one point, I was just too tired to keep it up so I had the brain wave of listening to podcasts instead. Now I swear by them - you will find that you will settle into the pace which you are comfortable at and listening to people talking is so distracting you won't really notice how long you've run for and you'll be happier to continue for longer until you get to the end of it. This is perhaps the greatest tip I can give you.

5. If you live in a hilly area try and find a route that has more downhill that uphill in it. I nearly died when I moved to my current residence away from the flatlands of Hull. This place has some serious hills and I did some nearly serious keeling over trying to run up them. So don't. Don't make life any harder for yourself than it already is. You're already running for god's sake, don't force yourself to go up a hill if you don't need to...and if you can't avoid them...

6. ...Walk up them. Until you run up a hill you don't know how godamn fricking hard it is. It burns your legs and your lungs and people who live in mostly flat areas, who occasionally run up a small incline are not able to appreciate how hard it is. I didn't. I had no idea what a hill was until I moved here. Living at my sister's was bad, but at my new place I have no choice but to run up a hill if I want to get home - it sucks. Try your best to run up them but do not feel bad if you can't...

7. ...But using your arms will help you get up them. When someone first said that to me I raised my eyebrows and thought "Okaaaaay, thanks for the advice crazy person" but actually it does help. You don't need to be swinging them as though doing your best steam train impression but focusing a bit more on pumping them as you go up the hill does seem to help. At the very least it distracts you from the burning pain in your thighs, followed by the total loss of sensation in your legs so it's good for that if nothing else.

8. Everyone has a 'Wall' to get past. Yours is admittedly a little earlier on than other people's, but it's a Wall nevertheless. Mine is about the 2.5km mark. Yes that soon. You will want to stop running, you will feel as if you can't take any more breath into your lungs but try and just run a little, tiny bit further and suddenly you will inexplicably feel ok and can run much further than you ever would have thought possible when you were up against the Wall. If you really can't get past the Wall...

9. Just walk!** This is one I have battled with personally so often in running and one that I'm still not entirely at ease with. Sometimes when I feel like walking there's a voice in my head chanting "Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!" And this is ridiculous. Walk for a small bit - pick a point further up the road that you will walk to and then start running again. It will be hard, (that's why you should try to keep going if you can), because starting to run when you've been walking is a tough mental challenge but you'll have had your rest and be ready to run for longer.

10. Cut yourself some slack. You won't be  the best runner. There will be no-one you can run with because no-one runs as slow as you. You look like a beetroot and your hair is sticking up all over the shop. You get blisters in weird places because your flat footed and even the special trainers for flat footed people don't really help. You get pains in your knees and shins and even your back sometimes. But you're running. You're running when you could be walking or sat on your backside in front of the TV. You may be a mediocre runner but you're still a runner. Take pride in your mediocrity and those people who go on about how fast they run and how brilliant they are and yada yada yada? Don't listen to them, they're not good for you. And actually there are far more of us mediocre runners out there who can sympathise and help you through your aches and pains and trials and tribulations. Let those others run the fastest race they can - they can be up at the front on their own, I'm happy at the back with the rest of my Mediocre Buddies.

----------------------------------------------


*Mediocre running will definitely not burn off the calories of an entire packet of Digestives. It might burn off one, two if you're lucky.

** This point is null and void in a race. People who don't run the whole 10k, half-marathon or marathon are at the receiving end of my wrath and fury. It's called the Great North Run, not the Great North Walk, you cannot bring home a medal saying you've done 10k when you walked for most of it - that's just doing what millions of people do who go for a ramble on a Sunday afternoon.