Tuesday, 20 July 2010

An explanation for my absence

I need order.

I need neatness and things in their place and to just feel ‘sorted’.

I do not cope well when things are up in the air or things are in a prolonged state of untidiness.

I realise this makes me a little bit mental and do my best to manage it. I feel it’s always a good idea to keep the crazy in.

But when things are messy and ‘not right’ my brain just can’t cope with it. Tidy place, tidy mind is my motto.

And at the moment my whole life feels like it’s suspended. I’ve managed to get this far without having a bed and without having a wardrobe. I have coped pretty well on the ridiculously few hours of unbroken sleep I get on the futon. I have made the most of the fact that my clothes are everywhere and are in piles on the floor and there is stuff in places I can’t even get to. I have told myself all this is fine because on Saturday 24th I will finally get my bed and wardrobe and I can put things away and get some sleep and finally, finally get some order in my life.

But sometimes it all gets a little too much. And the past couple of weeks have been tough.

I haven’t been able to get my head around blogging. There’s no routine and no order in my life and I just don’t like it. I can’t cope with it and it makes me feel incredibly unstable.

I know these things take time. You can’t expect to just be settled immediately. But the trouble with me is that I’m a little nester. I move in somewhere and immediately unpack and unpack until all the boxes have been emptied and everything has a place. I’ve done my best in the new place but there was only so much I could do when I don’t have a wardrobe. Would you judge me if I tell you that when I walk in my bedroom I feel a little bit sick? I have to dampen down the horrible chest-tightening and closing throat that come along with looking about and seeing shit everywhere. It’s so difficult to explain because if you’re not like this you can just roll your eyes and go “Oh for goodness sake it’s only some clothes on the floor, get a grip.” I fully aware that it’s mental but this doesn’t stop making it true. Being that stressed out when you go to bed is not conducive to a good night’s sleep at the best of times, never mind when you’re basically sleeping on a plank of wood.

I don’t need masses of space. I just need the space that I am in to be free of clutter. In fact clutter is fine, I’m not a minimalist at all but what I do have, has a place. And that’s all I need.

In the absence of tidy space I cannot get my mind to focus on writing blog posts. I can barely get my mind to focus on not having a complete mental breakdown.

Unfortunately blogging, for me, requires order. It requires me to sit down and think about what I want to write in advance. Maybe prepare a few posts, get them lined up.

No order = mental person = no blogging.

The arrival of the bed and wardrobe won’t just mean the restoration of order to my life though. It will also mean (hopefully) that by the end of the weekend I will be completely moved out of the flat I shared with the ex. It has been a long, drawn-out process, exacerbated by the fact that I don’t own a car, neither does my housemate and I have now called in every single favour from every single friend I have that does own a car to help me transport my belongings. In the meantime I feel like I have been neither here nor there. I am betwixt and between. The keys remain on my key chain and the place remains stuck inside my head. It is constantly at the back of my head that I have to move stuff out of there and get stuff sorted. And it is draining. I don’t want to go back there, I don’t want to have any more stuff there, but I do and I can’t just click my fingers and have it all sorted out.

This has been difficult. I have toyed and thought and pondered whether to just get a removal man to come with a van and whisk everything away for me but the cost has put me off. Some friends have generously managed to get hold of a van and they will help me. I’ve just had to be patient and wait for the end of July to come around.

Being patient has taken all of my reserves. I do not do patient well. I like to get things done and get them done straight away because then they are sorted and order is restored.

Concentrating on being patient = all brain reserves in use = no blogging.

I have been following a One Day At A Time (ODAAT) policy which has served me well. I’ve been deliberately not looking into the future because when I do I see that things are far away and I get stressed that they’re not closer and I get frustrated about my impotence at doing anything about it. ODAAT is good and incredibly useful and has more than definitely staved off the curling into a little ball and rocking in a corner somewhere which sometimes feels inevitable. However ODAAT does not allow for thinking about blogging in the future. ODAAT requires you to focus on the essential things and just getting through the day. It’s a fire-fighting technique rather than a constant way of living – for me anyway.

I don’t enjoy being a bore and being miserable. It’s not fun and I know no-one really wants to read about it. Let’s face it, I’d rather read about some random cats on a street in Hull than read about someone freaking the hell out because she needs her wardrobe. But I can’t think about anything fun at the moment.

ODAAT policy + Not wanting to be a bore = no blogging.

So I hope you will forgive me. I don’t want to be a miserable person. And I do want to get back into the habit of blogging and being a fun person again. I am a fun person you know. I haven’t really been miserable this whole time you know, I’ve done things, I’m seen people, I’m cool.

I just can’t write about it now.

But I promise I will do. Eventually. Just bear with me.


  1. Everyone needs a wardrobe.

    How the hell else are you meant to get to Narnia?!

    Hang on in there. Wardrobe will be back soon and you'll be hanging out with Mr Tumnus and the beavers before you know it.

  2. I totally understand. It's awful when you don't feel in control of your life.

    I'm sure you'll feel totally different when all your belongings are around you once more and you can sleep in your own bed again.

    Good luck with moving your stuff - I hope it's not too stressful and upsetting for you.

    Jill x
    (PS - glad you tried the traybake and enjoyed it. Told you it was dead easy to make).

  3. Hey, don't be so hard on yourself!! God knows I can completely understand how you feel, and there's only so many times you feel like you can blog about how shit you're feeling etc, but you know what, this is your blog, you do it for you, and if someone doesn't like it then tough! You have to write about what makes you happy, what's on your mind, not about what you think people want to read about. So chill out, get things organised (you're not mental, I can totally imagine what you're going through with the wardrobe issue!) and you'll see, things will get better in no time. Good luck with the moving this weekend xx

  4. Im mentally throwing a crochet blanket around you and hugging you, and hoping the time when your sanity returns will come quick. I was like this when I left my first husband - I only took what I could fit into my Fiesta (and none of it was useful!!). Take your time and get yourself back. xxxxx

  5. Don't worry about us, we'll be right here when you get your head/wardrobe/bed back and organised. Take your time - you're doing brilliantly, I'd still be in the curled-up-in-a-small-ball phase. Big hug.

  6. Bless you I can completely sympathise. I know its different circumstances but when I got my flat I choose to not move in right away until things were put away and stuff as I’m exactly the same and have to have things in their rightful place. Now I’m either being completely lazy and doing nothing or when I start I can’t stop… I had every intention of sitting on the sofa watching movies Sunday but couldn’t relax as my spare room is in such a mess.

    Can you not look into hiring a van and driving yourself? It’s cheaper to do if you can find someone to drive it? That’s how I moved.

    Try not to think of the negative… do focus on the positive, just think you’re going to have your own little space to do as you please and spend evenings organising draws and finding beautiful pictures to decorate with.

    My email should be on this comment so always feel free to send me a mail if you’re feeling cr@ppy! We’ve all been there but I’m generally the person my friends come to and refer to as Miss Motivator because I won’t let them feel cr@ppy for long!!

    Victoria xx

  7. I want to come and see you!
    I will see what happens in the next couple of weeks but I want to come and see you and go for lunch and do some hooking and give you a big ol' hug for being so brave and coping with everything far better than I would manage.
    Luffs youxxx

  8. Hey I need to be in control too, its scary when you're not. As for sleep deprivation that is enough to make anyone crazy. At least there is light at the end of the tunnel and you know it won't be for too much longer. One day at a time is good.

  9. If I lived closer I would help you rescue all of your belongings!

    Not too much longer till you get a wardrobe and bed - I think I'd go insane without either... In the meantime ODAAT sounds the best plan.

    And it's your blog. Write what you want and don't feel the need to apologise!

  10. I fully understand you. I cant crochet or blog until every room in the house is tidy and the washing put away. I just cant relax, so I know where you are coming from.
    Hurry back Soon,
    Love Suex

  11. OH! Poor sweetie!
    I wish I could help you, somehow!
    Hung on in there... there`s a light in the end of the tunnel!
    When I was forced to moved to England, I only brought one bag with me, and had to leave friends and relatives behind too.
    I went through a hard time...
    But slowly life has improved!
    I know that yours will too!
    I know its hard, but try to keep blogging... it helps getting comforting comments from blogging friends!
    By the way, thanks for yours too!


  12. I love you! You are quite a lot like me. I worry so much too and like things in order. Right now though...life isn't very ordered. I have a mattress, a shelf and then the toilet and shower are at the complete other side of the house. New life = new settling to do. I kind of want to get on with finding some place to properly settle but I can't do this now for like a year as I have signed up to this nomandic life for a bit. Isn't it silly though? As soon as you start you want to finish and get to the end...enriched and wiser and hopefully with a goal in mind for some place to settle! Stupid hey?

    Don't worry you'll get there - oh and check this entry out:http://talepeddler.blogspot.com/2010/07/magnificent-marvellous-mighty-monday_19.html#comment-form read it today and it made me cry as it brought some comfort to the confusion of life...x


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