I need order.
I need neatness and things in their place and to just feel ‘sorted’.
I do not cope well when things are up in the air or things are in a prolonged state of untidiness.
I realise this makes me a little bit mental and do my best to manage it. I feel it’s always a good idea to keep the crazy in.
But when things are messy and ‘not right’ my brain just can’t cope with it. Tidy place, tidy mind is my motto.
And at the moment my whole life feels like it’s suspended. I’ve managed to get this far without having a bed and without having a wardrobe. I have coped pretty well on the ridiculously few hours of unbroken sleep I get on the futon. I have made the most of the fact that my clothes are everywhere and are in piles on the floor and there is stuff in places I can’t even get to. I have told myself all this is fine because on Saturday 24th I will finally get my bed and wardrobe and I can put things away and get some sleep and finally, finally get some order in my life.
But sometimes it all gets a little too much. And the past couple of weeks have been tough.
I haven’t been able to get my head around blogging. There’s no routine and no order in my life and I just don’t like it. I can’t cope with it and it makes me feel incredibly unstable.
I know these things take time. You can’t expect to just be settled immediately. But the trouble with me is that I’m a little nester. I move in somewhere and immediately unpack and unpack until all the boxes have been emptied and everything has a place. I’ve done my best in the new place but there was only so much I could do when I don’t have a wardrobe. Would you judge me if I tell you that when I walk in my bedroom I feel a little bit sick? I have to dampen down the horrible chest-tightening and closing throat that come along with looking about and seeing shit everywhere. It’s so difficult to explain because if you’re not like this you can just roll your eyes and go “Oh for goodness sake it’s only some clothes on the floor, get a grip.” I fully aware that it’s mental but this doesn’t stop making it true. Being that stressed out when you go to bed is not conducive to a good night’s sleep at the best of times, never mind when you’re basically sleeping on a plank of wood.
I don’t need masses of space. I just need the space that I am in to be free of clutter. In fact clutter is fine, I’m not a minimalist at all but what I do have, has a place. And that’s all I need.
In the absence of tidy space I cannot get my mind to focus on writing blog posts. I can barely get my mind to focus on not having a complete mental breakdown.
Unfortunately blogging, for me, requires order. It requires me to sit down and think about what I want to write in advance. Maybe prepare a few posts, get them lined up.
No order = mental person = no blogging.
The arrival of the bed and wardrobe won’t just mean the restoration of order to my life though. It will also mean (hopefully) that by the end of the weekend I will be completely moved out of the flat I shared with the ex. It has been a long, drawn-out process, exacerbated by the fact that I don’t own a car, neither does my housemate and I have now called in every single favour from every single friend I have that does own a car to help me transport my belongings. In the meantime I feel like I have been neither here nor there. I am betwixt and between. The keys remain on my key chain and the place remains stuck inside my head. It is constantly at the back of my head that I have to move stuff out of there and get stuff sorted. And it is draining. I don’t want to go back there, I don’t want to have any more stuff there, but I do and I can’t just click my fingers and have it all sorted out.
This has been difficult. I have toyed and thought and pondered whether to just get a removal man to come with a van and whisk everything away for me but the cost has put me off. Some friends have generously managed to get hold of a van and they will help me. I’ve just had to be patient and wait for the end of July to come around.
Being patient has taken all of my reserves. I do not do patient well. I like to get things done and get them done straight away because then they are sorted and order is restored.
Concentrating on being patient = all brain reserves in use = no blogging.
I have been following a One Day At A Time (ODAAT) policy which has served me well. I’ve been deliberately not looking into the future because when I do I see that things are far away and I get stressed that they’re not closer and I get frustrated about my impotence at doing anything about it. ODAAT is good and incredibly useful and has more than definitely staved off the curling into a little ball and rocking in a corner somewhere which sometimes feels inevitable. However ODAAT does not allow for thinking about blogging in the future. ODAAT requires you to focus on the essential things and just getting through the day. It’s a fire-fighting technique rather than a constant way of living – for me anyway.
I don’t enjoy being a bore and being miserable. It’s not fun and I know no-one really wants to read about it. Let’s face it, I’d rather read about some random cats on a street in Hull than read about someone freaking the hell out because she needs her wardrobe. But I can’t think about anything fun at the moment.
ODAAT policy + Not wanting to be a bore = no blogging.
So I hope you will forgive me. I don’t want to be a miserable person. And I do want to get back into the habit of blogging and being a fun person again. I am a fun person you know. I haven’t really been miserable this whole time you know, I’ve done things, I’m seen people, I’m cool.
I just can’t write about it now.
But I promise I will do. Eventually. Just bear with me.