But it doesn't work.
I like to be in control. I like to know what's happening when, where and at what time (and what footwear is appropriate). So the idea that I'm not in control of my own life quite frankly freaks me the hell out.
And then I get even more freaked out when I realise I actually cannot control certain aspects of my life. I can't alter geography. I can't change my job (yet). I can't make someone like me.
I can't do anything but sit and wait.
I'm not good at sitting and waiting impotently for someone or something else to do what I would like to do myself (to be honest I'm not good at sitting quietly full stop).
And I don't understand how I can simultaneously be so sure that something will happen and yet not be able to trust that it will without a push and a shove from me.
But when do you know when to stop pushing and shoving? What's the point when you're supposed to accept that it's not going to happen and give up? When people talk about exercise they always talk about hitting The Wall (I wouldn't know, I don't exercise hard enough) - how do you know when you've hit your Wall and you just need to keep battering through, versus just hitting a complete brick wall that you're never going to break down?
While I was thinking about this blog post I turned over my calendar on my desk at work and it had a quote on it from Benjamin Franklin;
"Energy and persistence conquer all things."
Was this prophetic? Was this a sign that I should stop thinking about fate and just carry on myself? Or. Was it fate that this quote appeared at this time and my fate is supposed to be to persist and try and get what I want?
I find it all very confusing. And I'm really too tired to think anymore about it. I'm tired of trying and tired of wishing and hoping that everything I want will come true.
But mostly I'm completely and utterly exhausted of caring at all.
Do I continue to try and force my way down a dangerous, rocky path that I'm pretty sure will end up with what I want or do I follow the much easier path which has a few blind corners and hope that both paths converge and end at the same place?
Do I stop overanalysing before I hurt my little brain?
Are you a pre-ordained, fate kind of person or are we in charge of our own lives? Discuss.