Thursday, 8 July 2010

You're all invited

Tonight I had decided to throw myself a little pity party. There was only one person on the guest list and I had already RSVP’d a big fat yes.

It’s difficult when you’re playing the role of The Big Bad Break-Up Person to feel like it’s ok to feel a bit sorry for yourself. Or feel crap in general. At the end of the day it was your decision to break-up with someone so you just have to get on with the consequences.

And for the most part I have done. As I’ve said before, as someone that is constantly trying to make sure I’m not offending people with thoughtless comments and actions, it’s been difficult to think about the fact that there are people out there who absolutely hate your guts.
But the fact is this has been hard on me. It wasn’t an easy decision I made and it wasn’t one that I took lightly and there have been real emotional repercussions to my actions. I’ve questioned and re-questioned and over-analysed to the point of tedium every aspect of my personality and who I am and how I act in relationships and am I really the nice person I think I am.

All of this going through my head as well as dealing with trying to move out of the flat (I am now living elsewhere but there is still loads of my stuff at the flat – I need to find homes for it in charity shops and people’s houses etc etc) when I don’t have a car and trying to make head and tail out of my finances (the verdict? Not. good.).

In amongst all of this I’m very aware that people only have so much patience when it comes to listening about your break up woes. And I think that I’m now nearing the end of my time when people listen sympathetically before segueing into “Oh my god she needs to stop talking about this immediately and get over it.”

I feel like I’m a bundle of nervous energy, always just teetering on the edge of spilling over into the abyss. One minute I’m exceedingly ecstatic and full of limitless energy and feeling good about myself and my new life. The next, I want to tell everyone to bugger off and curl up into a small ball and feel very sorry for myself.

Tonight should be Stitch and Bitch night but I decided to stay in and attend the pity party. I feel like I haven’t stopped over the past few weeks and am constantly fretting about how I’m going to move stuff out of the flat or how I’m going to pay for things or how I’m making other people feel. I thought that maybe if I just had a night in where I didn’t have to watch what I said for fear of upsetting or annoying other people I might just give myself time to breathe.

All morning I thought about my pity party. I thought about what I would wear (pjs, obviously), what I would eat (carrot batons anyone? I might feel crap but this diet isn’t going to suffer because of it!) and what I would watch (still undecided).

And then I came back to the office after a meeting and discovered the post man had brought me something special. All the way from the magical land of the blogosphere. From a land called Mooncalf. I had seen these babies in a post the other day and immediately demanded one. I’m like that by the way, my first response when I see something I like is to say “Make me one” like a spoilt brat*. I don’t really mean it, it’s just my way of expressing just how much I like it. Either way e-mails were exchanged, apologies for behaving like a spoilt madam were made and addresses were given and this little guy found his way to Hull.

PB I have been walking round like a janitor with keys to the flat, my new place, my Mum’s keys and my Dad’s keys. This has been a) somewhat embarrassing, as I jangle my way round town, and b) a complete inability to find the actual key I’m looking for.

I needed something to make at least one of them stand out and my little, teeny tiny jumper is the way forward. He now resides on my house key, which really is the most important of the bunch and every time I look at him he makes me smile.

The reason he makes me smile is threefold

a) He’s a brilliant colour

b) Just look at it! It’s a tiny jumper on a key. What about that doesn’t make you smile?

c) It reminds me that there are very very very nice people out there who don’t think I’m a horrible beast.

So I might just cancel the pity party tonight. I think I’ll still stay in but instead will make a concerted effort to not be miserable and not feel sorry for myself and sit in my pjs, eating my carrot batons, watching some kind of crap. And if I start to slide into feeling like that, well I’ll just glance over at my ridiculously large bunch of keys and smile.

Three cheers for the blogosphere.

*although I can hold my hands up and say I kind of am


  1. Horay, horay, horay.

    How lovely of Mooncalf to send you over that little blue key-jumper.

    People in the blogging world really are great folk aren't they?

  2. Chin up - I know that sounds really lame, but that's the best thing you could do...chin up, put your best foot forward and keep on smiling - even if you feel like a rollercoaster is going around and around on the inside - sorry I know it's lame.

    take care and yes please for a carrot stick,

    Nina xxx

  3. So glad to hear that you're feeling uplifted by a gift from blogland.

    I have to say pity parties are fine every so often to sit back and just feel cr@ppy but the best piece of advice I can give you (and saved me when my fiance left me for my best friend many years ago!) was keeping busy and often pretending that you're happy etc and one day you'll turn round and realise you're not pretending any more.

    Victoria xx

  4. You can have a pity party on here anytime you like - we'll always be here to "listen" to you. :) x

    And a jumper on a key is the cutest!

  5. Hey you, there is absolutely nothing wrong witht he occasional pity party, it does you good, it is not so much pity, as trying to sort out all those mixed up feelings. I sounds all perfectly normal to me. There are many repercussions from a split up, and moving on your own is one of them. You just trust those feelings and it will work itsself out. I for one, will not tire of listening to you! By the way, that little key jumper is just so cute, and amusing! Suzie xxx

  6. Aww I'm glad the jumper cheered you up. But really, take it easy on yourself; you've been through a big breakup and you're going to have to be kind to yourself while you get over it. Just because you were the one that made the decision doesn't mean you get to skip off happily into the sunset - it is still tough and you need to do all the proper post-break-up things. You know, the traditional stuff like moping and watching rom coms and eating carrot batons.

    P.S. Raspberries have like 1 calories each - they're a way nicer pity party food than carrots.

    P.P.S. Let me know if things don't pick up. I can also knit tiny socks. I only whip them out for total emotional emergencies but I'm willing to consider it if the situation demands...

  7. If you are not by nature a "dumper" then times like these are very hard. You'll feel better once he has moved on. It would have been far worse and cruel to carry on. xxxx

  8. awww...I hope it was okay! Sometimes you need a night in...I'd like a proper veg out evening soon but right now I can't really as I've got a lot to do and it isn't much fun vegging out when you sit on your computer all day on your bed we're doing driving most evenings these days to improve my skill!

    It is good reading your blog from the dumpers perspective. Although I dumped my boyfriend, he was the one less keen so he is effectively the dumper sort of ... helps to see the other perspective... hang in will all ease up in time xxx

  9. Hope you're feeling a tad better today. There's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling. The fact you feel so bad proves you're a nice person, if you weren't you wouldn't give a damn.

  10. Hi me again... don't feel silly concentrating on cleaning... there's nothing better than doing a good bit of housework... whatever you do to keep yourself busy is great... sort out your address... plan your Christmas card list... anything just keep positive and busy!

    Victoria x

  11. Nooo! You are not the big bad break up person! I really believe this - I know you feel bad and as if it's your 'fault' he's hurt, but I truly don't think it is about fault. And it definitely doesn't reflect badly on you as a person. It's about change, and life, and circumstance, and what's right. If it wasn't right for you, it wasn't right for him. You didn't cheat on him, you didn't boot him out on the street, and you didn't trash his belongings. These are things one might feel bad for after a breakup - you however have nothing to feel bad about. You did the right thing, and although you both probably feel like crap right now... it won't always be the case.

    I don't know if you ever listen to the NPR podcast This American Life, it's hugely popular in the states but not so well known here I don't think... anyway, there's one on breakups which I bigtime recommend. It's hilarious and sad both at once, and amongst a million and one other very good points, it makes the one that although when we go through a breakup we feel like it's the worst and most significant and awful breakup in the history of the world and beyond (so, so true....), actually, everyone we know has been through similar feelings, because statistically speaking every relationship that anyone has ever had, except the one they're in right now, has ended exactly and precisely this way. The girl talking is so self-deprecating and funny, it's brilliant..and she relates it all to Phil Collins! I'm not trying to belittle the way you feel, but to make the point that how you are feeling is completely normal and totally right and healthy, BUT, it's also temporary. So I think a pity party is fine! If you are feeling miserable - feel miserable! No point in denying your feelings, or they'll come back and bite you when you're not looking. But there's definitely some consolation to be found in the fact that it's just a phase, a healthy normal one, and one where it's a good idea to focus on how YOU feel yourself, not on how you made him feel, or anything else.

    The key jumper is ever so cute, hurray for the blogosphere indeed :)

  12. Whoah, that was long. can you tell i'm supposed to be revising RIGHT NOW?!


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