It had to happen sooner or later.
This week was the first week I put on weight since starting The Cult of Weightwatchers at the beginning of May.
1 whole pound.
I knew it was coming, the week had been chaos and I’d ended up eating out about 5 times during the week and didn’t have chance to go to the gym. I think it was about Thursday when I abandoned all hope of losing weight that week and decided to fall off the wagon in spectacular style. I decided to just go for it and eat whatever I wanted and to the devil with it all.
But then the guilt set in. Because I knew that I should have told myself not to give up. I should have tracked what I could and made more sensible choices when I was eating out. I should have made more of an effort with my lunches and made a big vat of soup so I had something to take into work each day, or got up earlier to make a salad, instead of ending up spending money I don’t have in M&S and Boots. I should have made more of an effort to go the supermarket that sells the sugar-free jelly sachets so I could have a zero points snack. I should have made more of an effort to go to the fruit and veg stall in the market. I should have made a decision not to get complacent because I’ve done so well so far and people have noticed and been complimenting me.
But I didn’t.
Tuesday was a horrible day. I hate Tuesdays at the best of times but this one seemed to drag on forever and the closer it got to meeting time the worse I felt. I felt sick. I wanted to cry.
I understand these reactions may seem extreme but I was just so disappointed with myself. I had no-one else to blame but myself for what had happened and that’s never a good feeling, there should always be someone else to blame. Plus. I absolutely hate failing at things. Hate it hate it hate it. To the point where I won’t try things because not trying seems easier than trying and failing. I didn’t want to fail at this, not when things have been going so well.
I got home and sat there. “I’m not going to go” I told myself. I didn’t want to know what the scales were going to say. I didn’t want it written down in black and white. I told myself that I could pretend this week never happened, skip it, and just go next week. But I knew I couldn’t. Sometimes you have to just face the music.
I dragged myself there. They must have known by the look on my face that I didn’t want to be there. If they hadn’t known they probably figured it out when I said “I really don’t want to be here.” But they were lovely as they always are and my leader, Laura, said to me “But that’s good that you’ve come here, it’s really good.”
I stepped on the scales and closed my eyes and held my breath (and then thought, “Wait, what if all this air I’m holding in is weighing me down?” and let it out again).
It’s so insignificant. And it really is. I was definitely imagining a 3-4lb weight gain so really I was happy but that 1lb might as well have been 10lbs for the guilt and annoyance I felt.
But ultimately I left feeling renewed. I’ve had my slip up. We’re all allowed them from time to time. I just need to push a little bit harder this week.
I’m back tracking like the good girl I am and Dorothy and I are working on a rota for cooking so I know what I’m doing when. Most of the problem lately has been sheer laziness and getting back into the swing of cooking. There are loads of pieces of paper hanging about with recipes I’ve seen that I want to try out and now I need to get my backside in gear and sort it out. I’m trying to make time to go to the gym (difficult when I don’t really want it to rule my life) and making the extra effort to get my backside out of bed in the morning so I can walk in.
I would say fingers crossed for next week. But I shouldn’t have to say that. I am the only person that can be in control of that and it’s up to me to make sure that that 1lb has disappeared into thin air next Tuesday.
(But if you could maybe think nice thoughts that would be nice.)
PS Please do not worry. I am not letting WW rule my life. I am well aware that sometimes life is going to get in the way and it just won't be possible to lose weight every week and this is precisely what happened last week. I just wanted to document this occasion.