Friday, 27 August 2010

One night in Torbaydos a.k.a. The Night I Fell Off the Wagon.

My problem is that I'm not very good at exercising self restraint. The phrases "I'll just have one" or "I'll just have a small bit" just don't seem to appear in my vocabulary. I'm an all or nothing girl. That's why it's just safer to not surround myself with temptation. It's best for me not to buy a multipack of crisps so they last me for the week. Because they won't last me for the week. They'll last for 2 days, maybe 3 if I'm lucky. I can't buy a packet of biscuits without shoving the whole lot in my mouth so it's easier to just not buy biscuits. I had hoped that now I'm eating much more sensibly I would somehow miraculously discover the ability to not plough my way through a massive bag of Sensations in one go but so far that hasn't happened.

The same rule used to apply for alcohol. I'm your classic binge drinker. I will never have just one glass of wine. I'll have 1 case bottle instead. I've never been the kind of person that will go "Ooh I'll have a lovely glass of wine in the bath". Nope. I drank to get drunk. If it wasn't a big night out, that was fine, I just wouldn't drink, I had no interest in just having one glass of wine, I'm not desperate for the taste of alcohol. In some ways this has been useful since going on the warfarin because it's meant that, to be honest, I haven't missed alcohol that much - I only drank once in a Sheffield flood, it just happened that when I drank, I drank.

I've been lucky in that I have a friend who is also a warfarin addict so I've been able to turn to her for advice. I asked her how she coped on big nights out when she was the only one sober and she informed me that she was a bad girl who, on those nights when it was a big occasion, she would just not take her warfarin, have a drink and hope that the alcohol thinned her blood out enough. I was dubious. I am a rule follower after all and the Doctor said I could only have one drink.


I went down to Torquay. I knew that drinking would be involved. And, seeing as my INR has stabilised a little bit in the past month or so (hurray!) I decided that I would try this little bit of trickery out. I would forgo my warfarin, have a few drinks instead of just the one glass of wine and everything would be alright. I did feel a little dubious about it but my cousin assured me that everything would be fine and she is literally the only person I know that can use the phrase "Trust me, I'm a Doctor".

Except I forgot didn't I. I forgot that there was no way I was "just going to have an extra couple of glasses of wine". Because I can't do that.

And so I fell off the wagon.

And let me tell you. When I fall. I fall.

I was like Phil Mitchell getting addicted to crack. I was like a kid in toyshop. I was like a bunch of army lads on leave. I might as well have just asked for a top shelf drink. I managed to consume over one evening:

- gin and tonics
- wine
- margarhitas
- jaegerbombers
- vodka and coke

And I have no idea how many of the above I had.

I'm not proud. It was not big and it was most certainly not clever and my hangover the next day punished me (although I have to confess that I didn't feel more hungover than I would have been on any other big night out, I thought I would be much worse considering this would be the first time I'd had a mental night out since the beginning of May).

But more than that, I felt like crap because I knew that I was drinking for all the wrong reasons. I went back to my old ways of using alcohol as my safety blanket, as my secret confidence booster and I should know better than that, I should be able to handle myself in a group of strangers without being drunk. I've done alright with it so far but this night out was tough - I was surrounded by ridiculously good looking people and if they weren't good looking, they were clever and doing worthwhile jobs. It's bad enough that I was out with a load of Doctors but when the only other person who isn't a Doctor works with a freakin' bomb disposal unit in the army, you can start to feel more than a little pathetic that you do nothing really worthwhile with your life.

Lots of good looking people + lots of talent = levels of self-loathing through the roof

So I drank to care less that I was the fattest person there (and this is after losing 2.5 stone, if I'd been in this situation a few months previously I'd have probably ended the night by throwing myself in the harbour) and I drank to care less that I was having to talk to strangers, and I drank to make myself not care about either of these situations.

And I ended up becoming the person that I don't really like. I was like the person that I've been observing on my nights out when sober - I was too loud and probably obnoxious and my sarcasm levels went absolutely through the roof. My sarcasm can get me in trouble at the best of times but when I'm drunk the opportunities for me to come across as a complete bitch are many.

I won't lie. I had an amazing night. It was hilarious and I wouldn't change it for the world. It was just that afterwards, as the sea wind was blowing my hangover round my head, I realised that I don't want to go back to being that person. I don't want to go on a bender like that again. And I hope that this realisation is enough to finally knock the notion of self restraint in to my head.

I just need to find self-confidence some other way but have no idea how.

Reckon Phil Mitchell will lend me his crack pipe?

(Obviously joking. Don't do drugs kids)


  1. Drunk or sober you're one of the funniest people I know! Brilliant post honey!

  2. hello you! Gosh you sound a bit like me on the all or nothing side. I just cannot just have one either! I am fine not having any, but when I do! We have a no drinking through the week policy ( which we have failed miserably with this week!) but the problem is that at the weekend as soon as the first drop passes my lips, I'm off like a racehorse! Making up for doing so well the rest of the week.
    Now, as your blog Mum, you need some talking to young lady! Firstly, you are not lesser than all those people, I don't care what jobs they do, I bet they can't write like you, entertain with your humour and wit like you do, observe like you do, etc. I think you should seriously consider writing a book or writing something. You are clever, funny, interesting and your personality shines through your words like a bright beacon. As for your fall from the wagon, just use it as a learning experience. You are blessed with something else which many don't possess... the ability to self-inspect and examine your mind, which used in the right way is very valuble. Used in the wrong way, all it does is make yuou agonise about all the things you think are wrong with you. But used well, it is a good way of being your own psychiatrist! So you stop pulling your very nice self to bits and have a look with your expert eye at all the good things you are! There! Mum has spoken! The way to gain confidence is a hard long road, as you get older more will come to you, honest! I used to be just like that, I would drink when I had to be with people too, but now I have got something which comes with age and time... I don't care as much anymore! Have a lovely weekend! Susie xxxxx

  3. The only person who wasn't a doctor was a bomb disposal expert?! Hahaha, I would have got drunk too!

    Seriously though don't be too down on yourself, you have a lot to feel confident about as far as I can see xx

  4. You are me - only considerably younger and thinner. xxxx

  5. Just because someone is a Dr or is good looking does not make them any better than you. In fact a lot of good looking people are extremely boring as they think they don't need to make an effort. I bet none of them are as witty as you!

  6. I have a similar problem with binge drinking and I can never stop at just the one. I went for a quick drink after work with my sister a few weeks ago - we had a bottle of wine between us, then we both decided we really wanted to continue drinking when we got to our respective homes so I bought a bottle of sparkling rose and a little bottle of still rose (one bottle didn't seem enough) went home and drank it all. (On a school night as well!) My sister bought one bottle of wine which she still had some left of a week later.

    Guess which one of us is the binge drinker???

  7. I was wondering about self-confidence and how one grows it...or builds it up...some people are so cocky but I guess underneath they are insecure is interesting how people manage it and deal with it...someone needs to write a book or offer a course on exactly how to develop this! xxx

  8. Ant or Dec: Do you have a message for the kids, Billy?

    Billy Mack: Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free!

  9. Listen Miss Girl - you are a very special young woman and have loads going for you. The least of which is your writing. You have great style - remember that!

  10. Haha loving the phil mitchell ref!! Well hopefully you've learned your lesson now! (did that sound patronising enough?!)
    i hate hanging around people who are too good looking/ clever - it just makes you feel rubbish doesn't it? boo - i say hooray to thick and ugly people - they make me feel good

  11. What is a Car Kai? To be honest, I'll probably be back sooner because as soon as I wrote that entry I started having ideas of things I wanted to write! Still, need a bit of a break so will hold off - will still be reading though! You should come down to London in the new year - would love to meet you! xxx


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