Tuesday, 21 December 2010


I woke up and knew that something was wrong. It didn’t take long to figure out what. There was vomit all over the pillow next to my face.

I tried to think and tried to remember but it was black.

I was still in the dress that I went out in. My hair was in disarray. My make-up was all over my face. But none of that was particularly concerning me, what was concerning me was that I had absolutely no idea how I’d got there. It was black.

I was at my Dad’s house because I was dog-sitting. I was totally alone. I wandered through the house looking for clues but everything was eerily tidy. No mess anywhere. My shoes and coat were by the front door, my purse, with all its contents in, was on the kitchen table. My phone and the house key were on the table by the phone. I went back upstairs and there was a glass of water and a bucket by my bed. Everything looked normal but I knew that it wasn’t because my mind was black.

I rang a friend. “What happened to me last night?” “What are you talking about?” “I don’t remember what happened to me last night. I’ve woken up and I can’t remember anything.” “Are you joking?” “Does this sound like the voice of someone who’s joking?” “I left before you but you were fine, you were drunk but you were fine.”

Cue frantic texts to people to ask them if they knew how I’d got home.

I was shaking violently and uncontrollably. I knew that nothing completely horrendous had happened to me. Someone had got me home but I had absolutely no idea who that someone was. I got in the shower in an attempt to clear my head but everything remained black.

A knock on the door revealed everything to me – a male colleague was standing on the doorstep looking incredibly worried. “Did you bring me home last night?” I asked him. He nodded, he’d come back to check on me because he was so worried, he hadn’t wanted to leave me but didn’t know what else to do so had put me in the recovery position and hoped for the best. “What happened?” I asked him, “You were just incredibly drunk,” was all he could tell me.

I spent the rest of the day lying on the sofa, shaking and trying desperately to penetrate the blackness but it’s become clear that the blackness is there to remain. I’m never going to regain my memory of what happened. I can remember being at the party, I can remember talking to people and dancing, but then it’s just black. No memory of collecting my coat and going for the taxi and no memory at all of what happened once I got home.

It’s terrifying. It’s horrible. It’s scary. It’s something I never want to experience again.

People have been kind to me and have offered me a million and one excuses as to how or why it happened;

“You haven’t really drunk in 6 months”
“You’re half the size you used to be, you can’t handle that much anymore”
“You didn’t eat any dinner”
“You were drinking wine, you should have been drinking spirits”

But really they’re being too nice. The simple fact is I drank too much. Way too much. All those excuse are contributing factors as to why I was affected so badly but there aren’t any decent excuses. I’m 27 years old, I should know that I can’t drink over 2 bottles of wine (I remember counting to 5 or 6 glasses) without there being some serious consequences, whether or not I've eaten dinner or I haven't drunk in a while or am thinner than I used to be.

What I still can’t work out though is how I did it. How did I let myself be so incredibly stupid?

I don’t have any answers to that. I think I just got so over-excited about seeing everyone and being out that I just wasn’t concentrating. It’s a lame excuse I know but it’s true. I didn’t intend to go out and get drunk, it was just an unfortunate accident.

I don’t need lectures. Trust me I don’t need to be told how incredibly foolish and dangerous my actions were. I don’t need to be told how lucky I was and how much worse it could have been. Believe me I feel bad about it. I sat for a weekend and cried and cried and cried about what I did and dreaded coming into work in the morning to see people and not have a clue what happened.

That’s the worst – not knowing what other people know. Someone saw me today in the kitchen at work and said “Wasn’t Friday amazing?!” and I had to be honest and say I didn’t really remember. I do know that I was most definitely having a good time, I just can’t really remember the specifics. Lucky for me I held it together at the party – people knew I was drunk but not quite how bad, apparently I was just your average, fun, drunken, life and soul of the party, person, not a complete mess. That’s one thing I can be thankful for.

I know that I seriously owe my life to the person that helped me get home, stayed with me in the house and put me to bed. It doesn’t bear thinking about what could have happened and I’ve run out of ways to apologise to him and thank him for what he did. In the end there is no way of conveying how grateful you are to someone for those kinds of actions, some chocolates and a card were the best I could do.

I wasn’t sure whether to post this story or not. It’s most certainly not an image of me that I particularly want to portray but it is real and it did happen and to pretend that it didn’t would be to lie and I don’t want to be that person. This blog is supposed to be Just Me and I guess this is just me, warts and all.

(The dress looked bloody amazing though.)


  1. Try to put it behind you.

    You aren't the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last. It isn't good, but it isn't the end of the world.

    Let a bit of festive sparkle into your life today. Have a mince pie. Admire the twinkly lights.

    Don't worry. I know you won't let it happen again. ((The Girl))

  2. I'm 29 and I still get in those states. I am not sure that you learn as you get older. Its not something that you should be horrified about - we all do it once in a while.
    As long as it's not every weekend then I think you should let yourself off.

    {Unfortunately I have a horrid affliction that means I rarely forget a night out. not even the bad bits of the night. especially not the bad bits!}

  3. It's terrifying isn't it? It has only happened to me once, when I was a teenager. It was the first time I got drunk and it scared me so much I never got really drunk again. You will feel better soon, but you won't forget that feeling, and it won't ever happen again.

  4. Oh I hope you're ok! I have to say I've been in some states but always seems to have some flashbacks to piece together the story. Sounds like the Dress of Confidence maybe meant you didn't need to drink as much as you used to?

    Like the others say, put it behind you - no harm done, but learn from it in the future. Hope you're feeling better, must have been a monster hangover! xx

  5. A very long time ago I got almost as drunk as you. I was with my 'new' husband and we were at a birthday party for a friend. Both of us were smashed. I was the least smashed and as we were standing together with our heads to each other bobbing and weaving, we decided it was time to go home. I was to drive because I was the least smashed. The drive home (10 miles)was a total blur. I don't remember anything after getting home. The next morning when I woke up with this horrendous hangover I was scared and shaken that I was incredibly stupid to have driven us home as trashed as I was. I could have killed us and some innocent person/people by my stupidity. That scared me so bad that I have never gotten that drunk since then...1987. I don't drink much now but I will never forget how scared I was to realize how stupid I was that night. All you can do is try to remember and not let yourself get that trashed. Don't beat yourself up over it...it's history. A Lot of us have been there and done that and we are ok. You're alive and ok. I'm glad you are! xoxo

  6. "It’s terrifying. It’s horrible. It’s scary. It’s something I never want to experience again."


  7. No-one's gonna give you a lecture - We've all done something similar. The first Xmas after my mum died, I went to my works Xmas party, drank far too much, and woke up in a hotel room. Thank the lord I was by myself. I frightened myself, and my friends and I've never let it happen again. And, would you believe the person who tried to look after me, the person who put me to bed in the hotel room, the person who made sure I was alright the next door, happens to be Violet's dad.
    Put this whole episode behind you and don't be so hard on yourself. You are unharmed (thank the Lord), and maybe just slightly embarrassed, but it's now history. Get on and enjoy the rest of this Christmas time.

  8. Take care, but it's time to grow up! Sorry!

  9. Oooh no! Poor u. I have done that many a time in my younger, crazy days. It is really scary. Glad you're OK though & that the dress looked good :) xx

  10. Its so very chilling. Weve all done it (well I have anyway). Its scary now I have a 18 year old daughter who is living away from home too. xxxxx

  11. Bit quiet in the office today so I popped back to make sure you weren't getting a load of mean, judgemental comments and I glanced through your post again.

    Can I just say that when I give my 'Worst Advice of 2010 Award' this will be at the top of the list:

    “You were drinking wine, you should have been drinking spirits”

    How bad is that advice? :D


  12. I think we've all been in situations where we've overdone the drinking . . . maybe not quite to that extent, but we have been in similar situations. I know I have. And I know people close to me have had serious alcohol related blackouts where they have done some pretty weird things and couldn't remember at all the next day . . . and they hadn't necessarily drank that much.

    Brave of you to put this out there but as far as I can see there's not been any judgeyness (not a word, I think.) Which is good. Let he without sin throw the first drink at you, and all that.

  13. I'm just glad you're ok.

  14. Thank god for the guy that saw you home safely. It sounds like it has shocked you enough for it not to happen again. We don't want anything bad happening to you. Now put it behind you and enjoy Christmas. x

  15. We've all been there hon, and anyone who makes a judgement on you is only revealing their own insecurities about it! The last time I got in this state I was like you, just really shaken up by it- nothing untoward happened, and my boyfriend took me home, but for some reason it just really affected me. I've never really known when to say enough until that day and now nine times out of ten (I'm not perfect) I stop once tiddly and am sobering up nicely by the time I get home.
    Big hugs though- it's not a nice feeling but you're far from alone.

    xxx Maddie

  16. Sounds horrible - and something similar happened to me a few years ago, the only time I had a blackout and I still feel uncomfortable about that night, wondering what the hell happened to me. You're lucky to have been taken care off, not everyone is as lucky as you!

  17. Thank goodness he was there to look after you! I know it sounds a bit melodramatic but are you sure your drink wasn't spiked? Seems odd to have gone from being drunk to total blackout just from the influence of alcohol...

    And please don't beat yourself up about it. All those excuses (except the spirits one - that's just odd) probably are genuine explanations. I know that it totally took me by surprise when I had my first big drinking session after losing all the weight - I got drunk SO fast and I just wasn't used it. You really do have to relearn your tolerance point.

  18. Gosh, when I was reading this at first I thought maybe someone might have spiked your drink...it has happened to a friend of mine with disastrous consequences...but I also have a friend who drinks lots and he regularly can't remember giving me long lectures, making promises and places we went to etc in the night. As a girl you need to be careful - but it is good to know there are people out there looking after you.

    Hopefully this is a little bit of a wake-up cal for you. We all love to get drunk but I guess it is always about things in moderation.

    Anyway big hug to you and hope you're okay!

    Lots of Love xxx


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