I'm not superstitious but...

Today I should be a very happy bunny because yesterday I should have reached my goal weight at Weightwatchers. Instead of losing the measly 0.5lb I had left to go, I ended up somehow putting 0.5lb on. I am unhappy about this situation. It's annoying for many reasons, mostly because it's just so arbitrary. It's only a freaking pound that's left, that pound is not going to make me change body shape or drop a dress size, it just happens to be the number that I need to lose to hit the magic figure that I made up when I joined Weightwatchers. I don't have to lose this pound. I could just leave Weightwatchers and that would be that and life would carry on, but I just can't do it. I have to succeed and that means losing one more pound. It's ridiculous but true.

Being so sure that I would hit my goal weight yesterday has meant that I've now become incredibly paranoid about why I didn't hit it and I've started to think that I jinxed myself by doing certain things like,

1) Writing out a blog post in preparation for me reaching goal

2) Not taking a photo all day for Project 365, so certain was I that the photo for yesterday would feature something about me reaching goal weight.

3) Planning to maybe, possibly take an after picture to go with a before picture that I found.

See? Tempting fate.

Or.

I could have put on 0.5lb because I just ate too much last week.

We'll never know.

But just in case there is such a thing as fate and just in case it has just bitchslapped me in the face for getting ideas above my station I'm going to post what I was planning to write when I'd reached goal, therefore cancelling out any bad vibes.

So what follows is some stuff that I've written down over the past 9 months - just some observations that I have made since I started losing weight. They're absolutely not dieting tips, different things work for different people and I wouldn't presume to tell you the "right" way to go about dieting, these are merely unexpected things that have happened to me along the way.

1. You go through stages where you suddenly appear a lot slimmer. You may lose a steady 1/2lbs each week but there is a sudden KABLAMMO moment where you look like you’ve lost a stone overnight. You’ll know when these stages are because these are the times that everyone notices you’re losing weight and gives you compliments. It’s also the time when your jeans go from fitting you to falling down with apparently no in-between stage.

2. You can lose weight from your fingers and your feet. Crazy but true. I can now fit into a size 7 in some shops when I never could before. Some shoes have had to be binned because they fall off, even with inserts put in them and the ring that my Mum bought me now fits, I’d been in denial that the reason it didn’t fit was because my fingers were too fat.

3. And speaking of denial...you don’t realise it but you’re in it. Once you lose weight you can look back at yourself and shake your head in disbelief and go “What were you thinking?” How could you possibly kid yourself that what you were eating is ok and not too fattening?! How could you look at photos of yourself and not see it? Or dismiss it as a bad photo of you? Simple answer is it’s easier to be in denial and I have seen just how easy it is to delude yourself – a trap I’m determined not to fall into again (unless I decide that the reason I've put weight on is not because I ate too much but because I tempted fate. See? Told you it was easy to fall into.)

4. You, as a person, become all about the weight. When you’re fat no-one mentions your body shape or size (making it easier to be in denial by the way), once you start losing weight it all becomes about that. You know that people are looking at your body and in a strange way you actually become a little more self-conscious than you ever were when you were overweight.

5. The expense. Holy moly is it expensive. New everything. New jeans, new trousers, new skirts, new tops, new belts, new bras, new knickers (yes really, some of mine were in danger of falling around my ankles). You might have an income to support shopping in Monsoon or you might be frequenting charity shops but either way, losing weight costs money. It’s been horrible not being able to afford nice things – you’ve lost all this weight and you want to look good, not be walking down the road with one hand holding your trousers up. I should have been like one woman in my WW meeting whose husband gave her £10 for every 1lb she lost. (I know. Where do they grow husbands like that?!)

6. I have a strange fear of bones. I don’t particularly like touching them, it makes me squirm somewhat. Tell me a story about you breaking your collarbone and you’ll see me start to squint and shy away. So the reappearance of my collar bones has had a strange impact on me. It’s great to see them and go “Hell yes I’ve lost weight” but at the same time the sight of them makes me feel a little queasy. Same with my pelvis, we do an exercise in Pump that means your hands touch your pelvic bone and it really makes me want to vomit. (Please note, this makes me sound like I’m a walking skeleton, I’m really not, they’re just noticeable to me because of my slight issue with them.) My knees freaked me out the other day when I accidentally rested my hand on them – where’s all the squishiness gone? Bleurgh.

7. I now have absolutely no idea of what suits me. My whole body shape has changed and I've been left feeling a little bit bewildered. It's difficult to know if you didn't get away with certain things because you were fat or because you just don't suit them. I have overcome my fear of leggings, that was definitely a fat thing, and I'm slowly overcoming my huge fear of dresses now that I've discovered that my legs are nowhere near as bad as I thought they were, they were just too big. But it's quite scary I have no idea what my 'style' is or what I should be wearing or how I should be wearing it, if ever there was a girl in need of Gok Wan it's me.

So stuff you fate! I've posted it. Ha! In. your. face.