Overwhelmed: to overcome completely in mind or feeling. (source)
This is definitely how I’ve been over the past few days. I have tried several times to just think about what it is that I’ve wanted to say and have stumbled before I could even begin to make my fingers hit the keyboard. Then when I did begin to type it was a terrible incoherent mess (I'll tell you now, this final draft isn't much better. Apologies).
Sometimes there aren’t words, or maybe I just don’t have the words to properly convey the feelings generated by the responses to my last post.
Thank you doesn’t seem enough. Two little words. What a load of rubbish. We say them about a thousand times a day as it is, they don’t seem appropriate in this situation. If you were standing in front of me I’d yell them at you and hold my arms very wide and jump up and down while I said it but I think that might be borderline weird.
But thank you is all I have and I have really been bowled over by the kind words that people left me and the more than generous offers that came into my e-mail inbox. You must understand that that wasn’t my intention in writing that post to say “Oh please give me things.” The Inner Brat wasn’t even in work that day. That was just one of those posts that I (hopefully) don’t write too often where everything came out in one big sludge of crappiness.
Please don’t have visions of me fighting the pigeons in Hull City Centre for scraps of food (apart from anything I’d kick their arses, they’re all malformed in some way). I can feed myself for the next two weeks. I won’t be doing much else and let’s just say that these last few pounds that I want to lose will probably not have any problems in disappearing, but I won’t be lying on my bed, too weak to type, or getting arrested for stealing my shopping like certain Cheeky Girls.
I have a bit of a problem with my pride. This little independent streak of mine, that most of the time I would deny I have, comes into full force when my back’s against the wall. I very very very rarely ask for help and will only very rarely accept it when it’s offered. I struggle with feeling like accepting will mean admitting defeat whilst not accepting is kind of a rude thing to do. I don’t know where it’s come from, most likely my Mum, we want to do things ourselves, but that unfortunately does not stop us complaining about it in the meantime.
When people were offering me help on the blog my first reaction was to completely freak out. I felt like I was a fraud that had conned you all into offering me help and that if I told you it wasn’t that bad then everyone would hate me. I spent most of the weekend trying to work out how to issue a retraction.
But I realise that was mainly my pride talking (as if having the Inner Brat wasn’t enough to deal with) and that actually things are pretty shit at the moment and it’s ok to admit that and it’s ok to accept help where it’s offered. I’m pretty sure I’ve contacted everyone who did e-mail me and most of those e-mails were along the same garbled, embarrassed acceptance lines.
All I can say is thank you for all your words and advice and just general support. They were incredibly touching and I really haven’t known what to do with myself or how to deal with it (as has probably become clearly apparent in this ridiculous post).
To answer some of your questions/advice however:
JOBS: Believe me I know my wage is crap. And I am absolutely looking for new jobs and am desperate to relocate. I know I go on about how much I love Hull but that is purely because I have to love Hull, I’m here, I’m dealing with it. I haven’t wanted to be here since I was forced to move back from Manchester 4 years ago. Unfortunately social science research is not particularly well funded so jobs don’t come up often or at all. I would (reluctantly) abandon my career and do something else but have no idea what to do and get overwhelmed at the possibilities. I would be more than willing to do PA and admin jobs which often pay more than my current wage, but guess what? They don’t accept me because I’m over-qualified. But I am looking. Especially as it’s looking likely that I’ll be redundant in May (yeah I hadn’t even touched on that! A woo hoo!)
DEBT: My debt is not the traditional consolidate your debt kind of problem. My student loan was a Career Development Loan taken out to finance my MSc. Unfortunately you can’t defer these bad boys, part of the reason I ended up back in Hull when those £180 monthly repayments started. I was hoping to do a bit of balance transfer jiggery pokery with my credit card but unfortunately my crappy credit history has put paid to that. It’s just one of those things, if I don’t put anything more on it then hopefully in a year or so that will be gone.
LIVING SITUATION: I have thought long and hard about moving back in with Mum. To be honest it’s not an option, I couldn’t live there rent-free, she’s a pensioner so I’d end up paying her similar to the amount I currently pay (which is incredibly tiny by the way, I’m lucky to be in the situation I am in with Dorothy). Plus I would be further out from the centre meaning more transport costs and the termination of any small social life I do currently have – Stitch and Bitch would be right out of the window as I wouldn’t be able to get there.
E-BAY/CAR BOOT SALES: When I moved out of the flat with the ex, I took what I needed and that was it. Everything else was left behind. All my possessions are in the room I have in the house and that’s it. I understand that I could sell anything but there really isn’t anything to sell.
I will continue to look more at Moneysavingexpert – I might pick up something useful and at least be able to get some social activities going.
I will be fine. To be honest this post was going to be written last month when I really was almost screwed but I figured no-one wanted to hear about that kind of nonsense in the run up to Christmas. I knew that January was going to be tough, we were paid a week early in December (thank god) so I’ve gone an extra week without pay, plus the various costs of fun and merriment that went on over Christmas have to be taken into consideration. Things will slowly get better as I try and struggle to get control over my situation.
But thank you. Again. I know it’s not a lot but it’s literally all I have to give. When things get better I will make it all up to you. I promise. My pride won’t let me not. Let’s call it a Pride Promise.
Ok. Time to be quiet now.
I have no idea why the font has gone so weird all of a sudden. This is not a good Monday.